


Inescapable Destinies

by RainbowSheltie



Series: Meeting Love [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Romance, Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2017-10-27 21:57:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowSheltie/pseuds/RainbowSheltie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy has never been good with love and sex, particularly with men, because it always forces him to confront a side of himself that leaves him vulnerable to various forms of abuse and control. Now, he has no choice but to fall back on old scars, until an opportunity to audition for Adam Lambert's band presents itself. </p><p>Adam hasn't known Tommy very long, but his Dominant side senses something very wrong with his new bassist. It's up to Adam to protect Tommy, both from himself and others. Adam needs to get Tommy to trust him, but will they end up falling in love along the way?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  About the Sexual Abuse: The sexual abuse depicted within this story is of dubious consent, because while Tommy is willing it doesn't mean he likes it. Nothing herein is extremely graphic, but it does happen (sexual situations are "glossed over" and not the focal point of the story). The abuse stops after Tommy meets Adam for the first time, and is protected by Adam after that (meaning it doesn't happen again). There will be a "close call" in the latter half the story, which hasn't been written yet. 
> 
> This is the ONLY chapter to include 1st person POV (with the exception of any future journal/diary entries).
> 
> Loosely based on actual events (though doesn't follow any specific timeline). Most of the band members who first appear are the original members, with the exception of the keyboardist.
> 
> In this story, I'm using the same Adam and Tommy as my "Meeting Love" Universe. Both have "Dominant" or "submissive" personality traits, but no BDSM (playing, scening, toys) appear in my story. Light D/s does however appear, but there will typically be a reason for their actions; nothing heavy, no rules or punishments, etc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Beta** : 0Tabby
> 
> Introduction - you can skip it or start at the second chapter. This is just an insight into Adam's thoughts during the AMA awards - the real story starts during American Idol. This is... mostly for my own enjoyment, since Adam doesn't show up until later.

 

 

**Introduction**

**Adam Lambert**

 

During the American Music Awards, I remembered the adrenaline rush and the excitement of performing my first single in front of a live audience. On national television, as the ending act to the show, this would be the first time I would be appearing to the media since American Idol.

I had to go out there and blow their minds. The song was racy, sexually charged and dangerous. My mind took over; my body followed its natural instincts. That's why, when I found myself face-to-face with Tommy, I couldn't resist.

I knew in the moments before I reached the man, that I would kiss him. Something on impulse, for entertainment, to make a few heads turn and wonder, "Did I just see that?"

I knew right in that moment, that it was going to be awesome. I knew my dancers, I knew my band – in the few months we had together. Tommy wouldn't mind if I kissed him on stage, in front of the cameras, thousands, even millions, of people on television.

I don't regret what I did, and I'm not sorry for it. Looking back, I do wish I knew before hand about the wheel of fate, about the events I would be setting in motion. I'm not talking about the media back-lash or being canceled for a few television performances.

If I knew before hand the kinds of feelings it would spark within me, within Tommy, I might not have waited until the AMAs. Although our journey wasn't an easy one, sometimes I thought it would be nice if I were a little more prepared for it.

But no one is ever prepared to fall in love. Not being able to see the future, living in the moment and feeling that burning and longing inside your chest, waiting patiently and worrying constantly – love was never meant to be easy.

Even so, I wouldn't change a damn thing. Even if there were times I could have said or done things different to avoid the pain, I wouldn't dare go back and try. Because it made us who we are, stronger than ever behind the public eye; even if we aren't public, I wouldn't change anything.

Love is funny like that. Accepting the good and the bad. This is our story. I love my bass player – even if no one else knows.


	2. Without A Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy receives a phone call from his cousin, Mia, who tells him about an American Idol singer named Adam Lambert. Tommy also receives a visit from CJ, a fellow band member.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: 0Tabby

I don't know when it started. I don't know when my feelings started to feel like something real, something more than the act (on stage) put on "just for your entertainment". But if I had to… it started with his eyes, and his beautiful smile. My crush was almost instantaneous, after all - Tommy is, physically my type - but I think, it probably started with his smile. I loved to watch him, to watch every expression he would be willing to make for me unfold like an open book. My desire to see more of that, it secretly drove me.

But it's his smile that's probably the most beautiful thing in the world to me.  
-Adam Lambert

 

* * *

**Chapter 2:**  Without A Soul

* * *

 

It wasn't a secret that Tommy was straight, and it definitely wasn't a secret that Tommy was Adam's type as well. Slightly shorter in height and very cute, with rich brown eyes. Long blond hair ran down his skull like a Mohawk, except Tommy preferred to wear it down, usually covering the right side of his face. It was immediately apparent to both of them that they had at least four things in common: make-up, hair, clothes and fashion. The similar taste in music and movies could only be considered a bonus.

Tommy first encountered the name Adam Lambert through his cousin, Mia – she was a singer, and had randomly decided to call up her "favorite guitar-playing cousin" from backstage during a break in her concert set. "You like Jeff Buckley, don't you? I remember you mentioning him a while ago that he was one of your favorite artists."

"I love Jeff Buckley," Tommy said casually. "You know me too well to be asking that, Mia. What's on your mind?"

"Ugh, you just have to check out _American Idol_ this year." Mia cut off Tommy's sigh before he could say anything else.

"I know, I know," She continued. "It's not your thing, you've told me before. But this guy, Adam Lambert, he sounds just like Jeff Buckley. He sang 'Ring of Fire' for Country Week last week. It was slow, beautiful, with firery images and sitars."

"Wait." He paused. "For Country Week?" At the very least, Tommy knew _American Idol_ had 'theme weeks' where the contestants would have to sing from a list of matching songs. He couldn't imagine that particular version of 'Ring of Fire' as _country_.

"Bet you like him already, huh? Tommy." Mia hit it on the head. If she wasn't a singer, she might be some scary psychiatrist who always knows what you're thinking before you even think it. Then again, musicians, particularly singers – were definite "people persons". Tommy could imagine Mia wasn't the only singer that had the ability to watch and study the people around her.

"I'll watch the video as soon as I can." The loud thumping of heavy metal pounded the walls of his bedroom, almost matching in volume to the noisy background of chatting and music behind Mia.

"Let me guess, Cindi is listening to her Heavy Metal stuff again." Mia was scary sometimes.

"How can you tell?" Tommy asked innocently. "You on your break then?"

"Maybe. I have… fifteen minutes left. The band is on a break in the set. I don't know who they are, but another of the bands is playing a half-hour set to fill the time. Club something, I forget. I've been here too long – they want us to play two sets tonight, so yeah."

"Good luck with that, Mia," Tommy replied simply. He knew Mia wasn't complaining, she loved to sing, and this would only get her music out to more people. "Sounds like the club has different sets of people and different times, so that should be fun to play for."

"I know, it is. We get to change up the music we play, and I'm having tons of fun. The crowds are awesome-" Tommy could hear someone calling Mia's name in the background. A bite-sized background conversation later and Mia returned to her cell.

"Sorry cuz, someone is in a panic about something, and apparently they need me to help with… something." Mia also had the propensity to be slightly spacey and forgetful about things not directly related to her music.

"Talk to you later, Mia. You know you're my light in this world." Tommy held a soft spot for Mia – after all, they had grown up together. Their parents lived in the same neighborhood, and they graduated at the same high school, although Mia was two years ahead of him.

Mia laughed, but this one was full of sorrow. "Tommy, you know I love you. But I won't always be able to be your light, you know? There will come a day that that title will be stripped away from me."

"Mia…" He didn't know what to say. He never knew what to say when Mia brought up this conversation.

"I welcome that day. The day you stop running and let someone else into your heart." Mia let the silence between them make her point. "Look, for now, let's just forget it, okay? Watch Adam Lambert's 'Ring of Fire' for me. If you do that much, I'll forgive you for making me the center of your closed-off world."

"Mia…" he said with a happy sigh. It always went like this, but he didn't mind. It was safe, secure almost, and he couldn't let go of that feeling. "Alright, now go knock 'um dead."

"Oh, I've got that covered. My set will rock the house, yo!" She gave a bad imitation of whoever it was she was trying to channel. "And if I don't get off the phone right now, whoever it is will have my head for something I currently know nothing about. Laters."

_Click._

All at once the reality of his world came crashing back. It was like being in a bubble, a sanctuary. For those few moments, he could relax.

He logged into YouTube, pulling up the video clip from the first search result. Easy enough to find, and the fact the video's ratings were so high shouldn't have surprised him. Mia seemed to have some sort of idol worship for the guy, which seemed to amuse Tommy, for no specific reason.

Tommy let out a sigh as he waited for the video to load. The sun had gone down long ago, but the night sky was a foggy blanket of blue. The light pollution from the city made it impossible to see the stars, even if the area he lived in was the darkest one in the city. It was also one of the more dangerous areas of the city to live in, but Tommy had no choice. He was stuck in this hell hole of an apartment complex in the shittiest neighborhood in town, in a two–bedroom, constantly looking for (tolerable) roommates. They never lasted long, and the apartment was under his name to begin with.

His job answering telephones in a cubicle didn't pay enough for him to move to a different apartment with first and last month's rent. Even the gigs he was hooked up with as lead guitar didn't pay much in the end. Food seemed to take up a good chunk of money; food and alcohol, with the occasional cigarette pack in between.

He looked casually back at the computer screen; the video was halfway done loading. He sighed, pushing his chair away from the desk. Out of beer, and Tommy had the distinct feeling that it was going to be a long night. Tommy had two roommates who were, for the most part, dating. His male roommate, Joe was currently the lead singer of a band he occasionally played in. Cindi was his on-again-off-again girlfriend.

"If I don't make it, someone else will…" he trailed off, continuing the song in his head. 'Stand My Ground' by Within Temptation. "Late at night, things I thought I put behind me…"

Reaching for the door of the fridge, he opened it, looking around – an Asian beer. Kirin Ichiban, something new to try. Why not? After a while, beer was beer.

As he grabbed the can, another hand gripped his own in a crushing grip. Another hand, the skin of someone else touching him, bothering him and panicking his senses in a grip of fear just as strong as that hand.

"You always do this," Tommy spoke through escalating breathing. "Let. Go. Of me!" His voice grew louder with each word. He dropped the can back in the fridge and aimed his elbow towards the person behind him. The guy jumped out of the way just in time, but was silent. Tommy couldn't keep his voice down; the fear rushing inside him drew his anger out of control. "Don't touch me you shit-head fucker! We are not on stage; this is not a show for an audience."

Tommy felt his breathing become sporadic. "So you keep your dumb-ass grubby paws the hell way me! Don't ever touch me. EVER."

The guy backed up. "Dude, I'm sorry, I forgot."

"Just tell me what the fuck you came here for, CJ. Beer? As if Joe couldn't afford his own, wherever he is right now."

CJ ignored the question. "What, you let Joe mess with you on stage, but you're completely indifferent and cold otherwise. Tell me why?"

Tommy and CJ were both guitar players, but Tommy had beat him out for lead guitar during the auditions. Whatever he came here for, he had personal reasons behind it. The band had only been playing together for a few weeks, and only a small handful of those times were live gigs. Even so, the guy had a huge chip on his shoulder, a jealously that seemed disportionate for the amount of time the band had been together.

Tommy picked his beer up, gripping it tightly in his hand and shut the fridge door with a _thunk_. It rattled the bottles inside it with a series of harsh clinking. It sounded horrible in the dead silence of the kitchen. Cindi's music had quieted down and even the soft lighting from the kitchen seemed afraid of Tommy, of the look he held in his eyes. Anger, hatred, panic, fear; a combination of so many feelings he couldn't even begin to name them all.

He spoke slowly, deliberately. "First, you will keep your distance from me. Or so help me, you won't even see it coming when I slam you down and punch your lights out like its _Fight Club_. Second, you get whatever the hell Joe sent you here for, and then you leave as quietly as you came in. I will _not_ put up with your shit tonight, CJ. So _shove it_. And god damn it, if Joe is spending the fucking night somewhere, take Cindi with you. She loves threesomes just as much as you."

CJ looked scared shitless, and Tommy was just fine with that. He's had run-ins with the guy before; similar to this, but the guy must have been a masochist for punishment, and that sparked a thought he didn't want to explore too thoroughly. He didn't like men, not sexually, not ever.

As Tommy left for his room, he heard the fridge door open again. Beer run. Apparently Joe was too cheap to buy more, so he was digging into (more than likely) Tommy's stash. Fucker. Some yelling over loud music, and Tommy saw Cindi walk out of the bedroom, running over to cling tightly onto CJ's arm, happy as ever. At least she turned her music off.

She waved him a goodbye and they slammed the front door on their way out. Tommy knew CJ lived in a rundown complex across the street, so it was a good bet that that was where they were headed. Probably an "after party", since the band had played in a strip club a few hours ago. Why Joe didn't bother telling his semi-girlfriend, he didn't know or really care. The loud thumping music was gone and so was his headache.

Tommy relaxed as soon as he felt the familiar sound of his bedroom door shutting and the soft click of the lock. For now, he could relax and not worry about anything else today. Joe wouldn't be coming back until morning (if at all, since the guy had to work tomorrow). Tommy had Tuesdays off, so that was a bonus. He could finish drinking, practice his guitar, and maybe watch some movies on Netflix.

He sat down, the pop of his beer can releasing the strong smell of beer towards his nose. He took a sip and played the clip of Adam Lambert's 'Ring of Fire'.

"Figures. Country Week. He already gets points for not using the Johnny Cash version of the song. Epic." Tommy liked Adam already; now to see if he could pull it off. Mia praised the guy, and she wouldn't have said anything to him in the first place if he wasn't, as Mia liked to say, "super awesome".

Tommy was ready for a good singer; he was ready for a good looking contestant who could wow the judges. What he wasn't prepared for was Adam Lambert. He wasn't just another contestant on a reality show singing competition; he sounded and acted like he had already won. Adam didn't need to prove he could sing. He just needed a platform to show the world who he was.

"My god, this guy is great…" He couldn't quite believe what he was listening to. Not your average-Joe singer. In fact, he was better than Joe in every possible way. Tommy wasn't sure how many times he repeated the clip, he spent the next two hours just listening to some of Adam's previous songs, while there weren't many, were very impressive. His cover of 'Black or White' from the Michael Jackson Week was unreal as well.

"If I could play in a band for someone like this…" Tommy couldn't take his eyes away from Adam. "If I was in a band with a singer like that maybe… just maybe…"

A large gulp of beer. _"Maybe,"_ he thought to himself. _"My life would be different. I could… escape this rat hole forever. My life…"_


	3. My Night of Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy has a run in with Joe that ends disastrously, but finds solace in Adam's singing and natural charisma on stage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: 0Tabby
> 
> This Chapter: non-con warning (nothing graphic), one kinky ball-mouth-gag, light D/s, blackmail (a.k.a. Joe is an ass)

In my darkest hours I could not foresee  
That the tide could turn so fast to this degree  
Time keeps on slipping away and we haven't learned  
So in the end now what have we gained?  
 **-Our Solemn Hour by Within Temptation**

 

* * *

 **  
**

Insanity. Redemption. Chains. Never-ending agony. Pain. Misery.

I repeated these words in my head over and over again until I knew them second nature.

My mind is slowly slipping from me. My life isn't moving forward, and the things I do to get by are akin to passing shadows. Trying not to dwell on their true nature, I keep moving forward futilely. I feel my body is chained to my past, or perhaps I'm chaining myself to the past because I fear the truth of the present.

Every night I feel pain. Delirious with emotions, my misery is like a drug I cannot escape from. Trying to create a heart of stone, I fail. Never-ending agony, a Redemption beyond my reach.

Will my suffering ever end?

I fall into the same traps like before. Like always. Being drawn to misfortune. What can I really gain by staying like this? I need to get out. I want freedom. Who will bring me my freedom?

Is it so simple as to wish upon the moon for something like that?

 **-Journal excerpt of Tommy Joe Ratliff**

 

* * *

 **Chapter 3:**  My Night of Pain

* * *

 

Tommy threw his pen across the desk, watching it slide and turn its way to the edge without stopping. He wasn't sure what it was he had just written, but it felt about right. Poetry, maybe, but he wasn't a writer by any means. His lyrics seemed to come out the same way, kind of depressing in nature – but in the end, he liked it that way.

He stared out the window absently, the journal abandoned haphazardly on the desk. Almost a full moon. He wished he could just leave and never come back. How would that feel? To just pack up and go somewhere without a plan?

Not something he was really interesting in entertaining beyond a simple idea. Tommy wasn't an insomniac by any means, but sometimes he felt like he should be. Sleeping through the night peacefully was funny to think about – when did it start, the restless, unsettled feelings, he couldn't quite recall.

Stars winked at him through the city veil. It happened again tonight. Two days later, because Joe finally remembered he was angry that Tommy had refused to come to the after party that night.

Leaving the band, kicking Joe out of his life and his two bedroom apartment, Tommy couldn't do it. He couldn't pay rent by himself.

And rent was due very soon. Less than two weeks. It always came up so quickly, and he barely made enough to cover his half of the expenses. Whether this apartment was a piece of shit or not, it didn't seem to matter – the city itself was expensive to live in.

 _"I enjoyed your ass."_ Joe's words rang with a cold echo inside his head. Tommy felt his heart start racing. _"You want to leave - you'll need to save up your money first."_

He tightened his fists, hitting the desk sounded with a hollow thunk in reaction to his frustration. A tear or two slipped out of his eye, unable to hold back the chocking emotions tightening themselves in his chest and throat. _"I'll pay your half of rent this time. Two months? Is that so long?"_

A scream died before it could reach his throat. Chocking sobs escaped his lips, but he tried to hold back. Now wasn't the time; it was never the time. He could get through this. The only way out was to forge a path of destiny for himself.

The rolling chair squeaked slightly as he leaned back, lolling his head to stare at the cityscape. Nothing but old, rundown buildings and in the distance, the industrial district. The docks were somewhere to the left of that, but he couldn't see the ocean from here.

His legs were crossed, stretched out across the desk. It had been an odd position to write in, but it worked for his purposes. A little painful, but he embraced the pain this time. Embracing the fact that his legs were almost numb, weak, he had to crawl tonight back to his room. The midnight venture in the kitchen, on the couch, in some of the most painful and stressful positions he had ever been in.

A loud thump, his fist in rage at the desk once again. It hurt, but that was okay. His brain couldn't stop running; his heart, breathing in panic; it was all too much. Every time, it was too much.

People, getting close, touching him; moving their fingers slowly along his skin, making it crawl and cry in agony. Every touch was like sandpaper to his brain, made him panic and react out of control. He didn't want to do it, but Joe – he was strong. Taller, stronger and more confident in his own ego and sense of control that it made him seem inhuman at times. Then again, that same confidence made him a great singer on stage, an ego stroked with each cheer of the audience.

But this wasn't the stage. It wasn't a performance, flirting, smiling, having a good time. Something about him, about Tommy, made certain types of people want to tease him on stage. Ruffling his hair, pretending to flirt, pushing and teasing on stage; like a magnet. Confident, smart, good-looking guys – sometimes people who were comfortable with themselves, sometimes those who took out their inabilities with themselves to conform out on other people.

Tommy pulled his right arm closer to his body, it twitched at the memory. The strong hand that gripped it like death, cold and immobile; at one point it had started to become numb, and by tomorrow, probably, a bruise. Joe was in back, on top, inside of him, laughing. _"A girl like you should be used to it. What kind of guy wears makeup? Who has hair like this? This pretty face. I couldn't resist myself, but I'll make you a deal…"_

Tommy hadn't stop swearing once, hadn't stopped trying to scream or break away or fight back. Finally, Joe had snapped, he lost control and had to silence the racket being made. Joe wasn't drunk, he hadn't been drinking and he wasn't even high off of some drug, but angry did define him in that moment. Uncontrollable anger, insanity that ripped through Joe's mind in a frenzy.

A ball gag, a ball with two straps fastened around Tommy's head. Where Joe had gotten that kinky shit, he didn't want to know – Joe probably used it with the girls he slept with. Tommy liked sleeping with girls. For the most part, none of them would act like this, cause him pain or terror. They wouldn't force him to shut up and obey.

Sex with females, even with his aversion to human contact, didn't scare him as much, and eventually everything comes to a point where a guy just can't hold back anymore, you know?

The night that wouldn't end, the endless bottles of drinking to forget, to feel better, to feel something other than the torrid emotions he was collecting.

But, then that spark came, a simple flick of light in the dark recesses of his mind, something that tapped gently on the outside of his heart. Adam Lambert's video clips from American Idol, and subsequently, the Adam Lambert songs he downloaded from iTunes that would only be available during the current season of American Idol. Adam didn't have many singles released yet, but the smooth, pure voice that rang out with passion in those few songs called to Tommy all the same.

The solace in the dark of despair, in a situation out of his control. He played 'Ring of Fire' on repeat, and immediately his heart stopped trying to finish its marathon jog. The panic from Joe's skin touching his own seemed, for the moment, a sweetly bitter memory off in the distance. The alcohol was definitely working its magic tonight.

Alcohol and cigarettes. His body, his fingers were too shaken up to play either his guitar or bass, so he couldn't practice. Mia was probably sleeping right now, he couldn't wake her just to talk about this, not that he particularly wanted that conversation anyways.

But, he wouldn't give up, the pain that killed him inside, that wanted to see and watch him die, Tommy wouldn't give in just yet. Not yet. No, he would practice what he knows, his music and escape this rat hole. Escape Joe and this town. Everything would be left behind in a few months.

One way or another, Tommy knew he would leave this hell behind. Even if his mind were to shatter into millions of pieces, living like this – even death's door seemed inviting. Opening that door would be as simple as taking a razor to his wrist, or slowly overdosing on medication.

And yet, whenever Tommy heard Adam laugh, he felt himself being pulled back from the brink of fire and death. For the first time in his life, Tommy felt drawn to a small flame in the distance, so small he couldn't quite make it out. The light was happy and calming, excited and sad all at the same time.

At least for tonight, he would make it. The moon would keep shining down through his window. The heart of everything, what the future held… that sweet smile Adam made and his gentle laugh that made you want to laugh and smile with him.

Redemption.


	4. Become a Doll, Full of Straw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Live Show at the Club House, Joe corners Tommy backstage, Mia is drunk (with friends) and calls Tommy during the finale of American Idol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: 0Tabby
> 
> This Chapter: non-con (nothing graphic), blackmail, and a slightly incoherent phone-call from Mia.

**Playing Live at the Club House** **:**  Hell's Tourniquet

 **Singer:**  Joe  
 **Lead Guitar:**  Tommy Joe  
 **Guitar:**  CJ  
 **Bass:**  Barney  
 **Drums:**  Bip "B" Bop

* * *

 **Chapter 4:**  Become a Doll, Full of Straw

* * *

The fact that Joe was an innate controlling jerk couldn't be seen on-stage. In sound-check, in public, for the press – it was like the guy was a totally different person. Maybe it was just that Tommy naturally brought out the different even adverse sides in the people that he met. He was different, no question about that. How many guys have a feminine frame and face, can wear make-up, nail polish, fitted clothing and make it look good? Tommy was pretty, cute, and, to the audience, a fan favorite no matter what instrument he played.

" _Rocking out in hell, flames licking my body and dragging me down, down…"_  Joe's voice was pretty good, and he wasn't that bad looking - all personality flaws aside. Their band was heavy rock, with some heavy metal influence in a few of their songs.

The band had formed a few weeks ago, so it was hard to tell how popular they were going to become. It was during performances like this that Tommy really felt all his anxieties melt away akin to the lyrics of their songs.

" _The devil crawls across my skin… I wear a mask to hide the madness; it's like dying, going mad…"_  The crowd in the club screams, jumping and cheering in uncontrolled excitement. They don't know the words, but they already learned to dress in leather, spikes, chains, studs and whatever else they felt proper attire.

The strings across his guitar never stopped moving; Tommy knew he wasn't the best guitar player in the world, but he would be damned if they called him "mediocre". He was good, extremely good, and proud of it.

While this particular crowd wasn't in his normal taste in fashion, they didn't judge him for his unusual choices either. That could have something to do with the fact that some of them were wearing more black make-up then Tommy had ever seen on one person.

He stepped out to the front of the stage for his solo. This was the first time they were performing this song, and his solo was one of the more challenging pieces he had come across in a long time. Tommy walked slowly, deliberately in his two-inch creepers. Falling was never fun, but falling before a solo would just be plain embarrassing.

This was one of three solo pieces he had been practicing almost non-stop for the past three and a half weeks or so. Thinking back, that was probably the reason CJ hated him so much. Tommy made a note to watch out for that guy later, although he was sure CJ was mostly the "all bark and no bite" type.

Tommy performed his solo perfectly, of course, and the crowd cheered even louder because of it. Even Joe gave him a sign of recognition that made the crowd cheer even louder. Joe sang a few more chorus lines and the song was over.

"Thank you, everyone!" Joe shouted over the noise. "Once again, we are Hell's Tourniquet, an up–and–coming heavy rock and metal band! Hopefully we will be able to release our first CD in a couple of months! Would you guys like that?"

More cheering; Joe continued. "Would you like to hear one more song before we go?"

The crowd ate it up; they wanted one more song. Unless the band was absolutely atrocious, it was almost required the audience scream for at least one more (to get their money's worth, some would say). Rounds of "Encore" spread throughout the crowd in no time.

"Then we shall oblige, for our great fans," Joe took a bow, rolling his wrist on the way down. They cheered. "Our last song is called 'Devil's Soda'. We hope you will enjoy it! It's one of our favorite songs – we just learned it, but you guys have been so wonderful tonight, how can I say no?"

Tommy felt his heart pick up the pace; this song was one of their favorites, but it was also new and they hadn't practiced it as much as he would have liked. No solos, but tricky none-the-less.

Although he knew the end of the concert was coming, Tommy still had yet to feel the onslaught of the apprehension his fears pressed into him. Right now he was relaxed and comfortable, but it would come. Not until the very last note, but it would come crashing back in force. His inability to get close to others, to act normal and not worry about how close someone is standing or will stand, the desire to be normal and worry-free…

" _Because he welcomes everyone… with the devil's soda, once through that door, you won't be leaving again."_

He brushed his hair out of his face, a hand motion that by now was second nature. Waving to the crowd, smiling, having a good time; this was what it was all about, entertaining people with your music.

This was one of his dreams.

Except for the guitars and their personal belongings, the rest of the instruments on-stage belonged to the club, which meant they were free to leave any time. Joe, the unofficial leader of the group, nominated himself as the guy in charge of picking up their paycheck after each gig.

As they entered the backstage area, the band immediately split off into separate directions. Barney and "B" (the guy apparently used air-quotes around his own name) threw on some jackets, found their wallets, and immediately left to buy drinks and snacks for the "private" after party Joe would, undoubtedly be hosting. CJ was giving Tommy the evil eye as he flopped down on the couch, and Tommy gave him that evil eye right back, choosing to stand from a distance.

Joe chose to greeting a few of his female fans, sign some autographs, take pictures and maybe even give impromptu interviews to the various cameras and iPhones scattered amongst his fans.

Tommy still felt eyes boring into the back of his head. He shook his head as hair fell into his face; he absently ran a hand through it again. "I'm not going, CJ."

"I didn't say anything," CJ acted like he had been hurt. Tommy snorted a laugh in response. That guy always had some sort of card up his sleeve. Showing the guy up on stage, hearing the crowd's response, must have ticked him off. It was times like these that you slept more soundly knowing you had a lock on your door, and that it was, indeed, a working lock.

Suddenly, an evil thought crossed his mind. He didn't want to get any closer to CJ as necessary, but that wouldn't stop him from teasing.

Tommy turned and grinned, "You aren't getting this ass, CJ." He placed a playful hand on his hip, and did a cute little catwalk turn towards the couch. "I don't like you well enough, baby-J."

Now, Tommy wasn't entirely sure if CJ knew about the sexual arrangement Joe decided to make with him, but what happened next, he didn't see coming. CJ actually turned red from embarrassment, shouted something incoherent in anger and stormed out the back door, grabbing his coat and wallet from a locker on the way out. Tommy laughed; now he was definitely not going to the after party tonight. It was probably going to be at CJ's house anyway. Whatever bug was up his butt, Tommy was going to make sure to enjoy every minute get got to tease him. Whatever comes around, as they say.

"Hey beautiful," Joe. It was fucking Joe.

Tommy turned to see Joe staring at him from the doorway. Had the guy just been standing there waiting for CJ to leave the room? He didn't see any girls with Joe, so obviously he didn't come back here to show off his ego some more. Then again, maybe he did.

Well, as long as Joe watched his space, he had no problem playing along. Surprisingly, he still felt comfortable and relaxed, but maybe being alone backstage, the end still hadn't hit him yet.

"You can look, but don't touch," Tommy said, making a sexy face with signature pouty lips.

Joe stepped towards the wall of lockers, making sure his body language expressed he had no desire at this moment to get too close.

 _Looks like someone's still in a good mood,_  Tommy thought mildly. Then again, Joe usually stayed that way until sometime the next day. Something about the high of the concert and his fans, then having to go to work, in a place where no one recognizes him for his music.  _Not being recognized for your music, when you are so proud of it. That must be tough on anybody._

It was that feeling, the sense of high he experience on stage which kept him going with the band. This band, when they were serious, it felt really good to play with them. But Joe, he didn't know how to handle rejection.

Joe was busy exchanging his jewelry and concert clothes, digging through his duffle bag. Without saying another word, he left for the changing rooms in the back.

Interestingly, he also used himself as a ringtone for his phone; a home-recorded version of 'Devil's Soda' started playing before he answered. "Hi, Cindi. Yeah, no, the show's over, you missed-"

With a soft  _thunk_  and a click, Tommy found himself alone again. At least he didn't use himself as a ringtone. He did, however, set one of Mia's songs to play whenever she called him.

"Mi-" Tommy managed to get most of her name out before a deafening scream echoed through the room. It even made Joe come out of the dressing room in surprise, throwing a suspicious look in Tommy's direction, a sly look, before slowly retreating back into the room. Quietly. Too quietly, he was acting suspiciously...

"Tommy Joe! Hello?" Mia had been calling him, but that look on Joe's face disturbed him... "Tommy Joe RATLIFF!"

That made Tommy jump, yelping in surprise. Mia laughed her head off. Tommy sighed. "Mia, I'm sorry. Joe's acting like a creep. Again."

"Aww, poor Tommy," she cooed, trying, and failing, to stifle her laughter.

"You've been drinking." Tommy said. She was taking this conversation too humorously for her own good – not that they actually had any sort of conversation going.

"I'm having a party. I thought I told you? An  _American Idol_ -season-finale party." Mia made some additional happy noises and cooing sounds, strangely enough.

"Ah, I think you did mention that. Adam Lambert, right?" It was more of a statement then a question. He found himself following Adam's performances on YouTube, considering he still wasn't a fan of the show itself. Reality TV, totally not his thing.

"I'm disappointed. You haven't been following him?" Mia sounded sad in an over-the-top way. "And I thought you loooooooved him."

In the background, Tommy winced as a group of girls started screaming into the phone, various phrases of "Adam is so hot", "I love Adam! OMG!" or "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I <3 him!" They actually said the words "heart" and "OMG". Those were definitely Mia's friends; she loved texting more than anything, and apparently so did they.

Silence.

"Mia?" He asked tentatively, keeping his ear a short distance away.

"Admit it, god damn you!" Mia demanded feverously. "Say it! SAY IT! I know you want toooooooooooo!"

She was inadvertently screaming into the phone again. Something about him not being in the room, meant that she needed to scream her words because he was "so far away he wouldn't be able to hear her if she spoke quietly". Tommy chuckled; she had actually said that to him once. During the hang-over period – which just made it classic.

His attention was wandering, so he answered her simply. "… No."

"YES. OR I'll do something to Mr. Teddy!" She wasn't yelling, at least.

"I don't have a Mr. Teddy,  _you_  do. And what exactly am I supposed to be admitting?" Tommy wanted to keep her away from the subject of Adam Lambert. He didn't think he would hear the end of it if Mia every found out just how big an Adam Lambert fan he had become.

" _Tell_  me you  _love_  him." She demanded, "Say, ' _I_   _love_  Adam Lambert'! SAY IT and I'll leave you aloooooooooone."

Mia had erupted into a giggling fit. At this point, it was probably a fifty-fifty chance she would even remember this conversation. The results of  _American Idol_ , yes, calling her cousin in a drunken stupor, not so much. Priorities, you know (at least, he hoped).

"Fine." Tommy took a deep breath, running his hand through his hair. "I  _really_  love Adam Lambert. Happy now?"

The way he figured it, if he played along, it couldn't hurt. Besides, even a drunken Mia was amusing to listen to. That, and if she said anything stupid, he could hold it over her for the rest of her life. Although the screaming girls behind her were starting to give him a headache, if anything, they were highly persistent.

 _Just what was it they were drinking, anyhow?_  He sighed as he realized Mia was starting to ramble, in a rambling-muttering-incoherent sort of way.

"Nonononono…." Mia announced abruptly. "You can't go!"

Even though Tommy hadn't said he was going to hang up. Mia was probably doing her 'I know what you'll do before you do it' thing again. "Adam is singing now! The song is called 'No Boundaries' – at least listen to it before you go! It's his last song!"

He was about to mention he could just catch it on YouTube later, but he never got the chance. The phone was knocked out of his hand, and Tommy felt that familiar but creeping sensation tugging along his scalp. Tommy knew that hand, that grip – Joe.

Tommy felt a smile cross his lips like a mask, pretending to enjoy the surprise Joe wanted to spring on him. He felt a tug against his skull, and followed that hand towards Joe's shoulder. He looked up into greenish-brown eyes.

"I'll wipe away your tears if you cry this time, pretty baby." Joe sounded like he almost believed that romantic crap he was spouting. "It won't hurt so bad if you behave."

"Yeah, I'm sure." Joe was a terrible at kissing, but his energetic drive somewhat compensated for that failure. Tommy felt himself pushed to the floor, his head hitting the hard wood, causing the world to momentarily spin, a flash of pain almost blinding him for a few seconds. His phone had stopped three feet from his head, and he realized Adam's voice was reaching out to him over the silence.

 _Apparently,_  Tommy noticed,  _the girls can stop screaming in lieu of actually listening._

Joe didn't notice the phone, his concentration elsewhere, his hands moving up and down, teasing and playing, lips kissing down his neck and chest; doing everything the wrong way. Touching every place the wrong way… Every kiss placed on his body made him shiver. Nothing felt right.

" _Every breath it's harder to believe. You'll make it through the pain."_  Adam Lambert.

He couldn't make a sound, the phone was still connected and Mia didn't need to know about this. He wanted to, felt like crying, but giving in wasn't something he was going to do. He felt another knock against his heart. The room was just so damn quiet and Tommy could hear Adam's voice just so damn clearly now.

" _Just when you almost gave up all your dreams. They take you by the hand…"_

 _I'll never give up._  Tommy closed his eyes and repeated those words over and over again inside his mind.  _This means nothing to me because… I'll close myself off to everything._

He wouldn't give up on his dreams, but he also knew he couldn't fight off Joe when he ambushed him like this. He felt himself dying inside, moment by moment, as he gave into the mindless pleasure created inside his body. Hands crawled along his skin making him sick, and his mind cried out desperately to fight against staying so calm when he should be fighting back with everything he had. Yet, the last time he did that, he couldn't walk and there were bruises all over his body.

In order to survive, sometimes you have to shut down and let go of everything. Don't think, don't feel, and don't fight back. Become a doll, full of straw and without a brain. Become a puppet with strings, and when it's over, cut them off.

And never look back.


	5. Audition of Masks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A strange phone call from a worried Mia and Tommy goes in to Audition for Adam Lambert!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Check Coming Soon
> 
> This Chapter: Dom!Adam makes an appearance! I suggest you watch Adam's FYE music video before reading this chapter ~ :D

**3 months later…**

"I'm worried about you…" Mia started hesitantly. "The doc-"

"Stop it." Tommy's voice was cold, almost icy. The wind started to pick up, blowing harshly into the connection. It almost sounded like static. "It's none of your concern. They didn't have to contact you."

Mia should have been angry, Tommy knew she would be furious in a normal situation, but this was anything but normal. She sounded scared, even frightened. "I'm your contact, Tommy. I'm the person they call when someone like you fucks up and lands in ICU."

Her words were angry, but her voice was timid, quiet and so very strange to Tommy. Guiltily, he was glad she wasn't yelling. Then again, maybe she already knew yelling wouldn't help in this situation. The guilt, however, was temporary. He couldn't do this anymore, he was sick of talking to people who never listened to a word he said. No one seemed to care about  _him_.

"I'll talk to you later." His voice was distant, his hand absently rubbing the bandage that wound its way up the entire length of his left forearm. "Goodbye, Mia."

* * *

 **Chapter 5:**  Audition of Masks

* * *

"We didn't know you already had someone in mind on guitar, Adam." The man shook his head, "We never would have held auditions for lead guitar if we had known."

Adam put his hand up, a smile crossing his face. "Don't worry about it, Cliff. It's okay, it's my fault. I didn't tell you about Monte before hand – I didn't think you would start the audition process so quickly."

"We needed your band to be ready, we wanted you to have time to get to know them and practice with them. Well, it's been kind of hectic lately, what with the  _American Idol_  tour finishing up. Five more cities, is that right?"

"Something like that," he said in consternation. Adam wasn't really sure of the exact number, just that there were only a handful of cities left. "I'll listen to the five people you found for guitar. I would feel bad if I let them go without at least giving them a chance to audition."

Cliff look at Adam suspiciously, "Wouldn't it be better if we told them before they auditioned? They might not feel gypped that way. After all, who wants to audition for a part that's already been filled?"

Adam shrugged in response. "There's always the chance that the position will have been filled. Maybe the person ahead of them already received the part or maybe the people in charge already have someone specific in mind? I'll let them audition, and see what happens. I want to see who you chose, and I want to let them play for me."

"Suit yourself." Cliff said. "I'll let them know you're ready. Just to remind you, they prepared their own solo piece, and received sheet music to a medley of your songs. They already know their parts on guitar, but will play the medley instead so you can see the extent of their talents."

He nodded at Cliff, leaning back in the small metal chair. The sheet music was in front of him, along with the music for each solo piece – at the very least, Adam knew how to read the music for guitar, drums and bass, even if he couldn't play those instruments himself.

The first three guitarists were good, but not as good as Monte. Then again, not many were. Monte had played for Madonna, and still does – but his skill on the guitar was not to be matched so easily. Adam doubted that any of the people auditioning even came close in skill level.

The first two people to audition were the head banging, leather rock type. The third was female and her look could only be described as "cute". Although how they played was important, he looked for personal style and personality as well, even if it didn't play as important a role. If they were going to be in a band together, Adam needed to know how well they would be able to get along with one another.

Adam made sure to thank each one, tell them they were pretty good, but that the position had been filled already. They were polite, and the female, at least, was just as excited to meet Adam in person as she was for the chance to even audition for his band. "I'm sorry you had to come all the way down here." Adam said apologetically.

"It's no problem at all! I got the chance to audition for your band, and meet you in person! I'm a big fan of you ever since American Idol – I even saw you in concert! This really is my pleasure!" She was excited, and her voice reflected it clearly.

Adam smiled, exchanged a few more words and waved her off. Two more people to go; he was beginning to wonder if this is how the judges on  _American Idol_  felt. Having to say, "Thanks, but no thanks" in as polite a way as possible, watching the people who auditioned leave with a heavier heart then when they had arrived.

Then the forth guitarist walked in, the second to last person coming to audition for lead guitar. Adam studied the list on the table; a short bio followed the name.

"Mr. Tommy Joe Ratliff. Welcome." Adam said; a calm, directed playfulness entered his voice. His gaze studied the man carefully as he walked across the room, watching as Tommy hooked up his guitar to the small amp and started tuning it. The blonde man wore a tight black shirt with long sleeves – except there was an open gap near the upper sleeve where the top half and lower half were connected by black lace in a loose stitch pattern. Skinny jeans, black creepers, and a sliver necklace with a rhinestone pendant of some sort completed the ensemble.

This man was different from the others. Adam didn't know why, not exactly, just a feeling stirred up by years of carefully honed instincts. People, watching them, helping others, studying them – it was second nature to him, he loved working and talking with others – a social butterfly, he was called as a child.

Tommy looked up to Adam and felt their eyes lock into place. Adam didn't speak or turn away. He wanted to control this stare, this challenge; he wanted to show Tommy… what exactly? Adam shook his head and fell into a gentle smile.

Adam kept his voice professional this time. "Interesting solo selection, Tommy." He held back the playful tone that wanted to tease, to dominate the conversation. Tommy nodded, said something about why he chose it and a brief cover of his history with the guitar.

"Please, play it for me." He was trying to be professional, but  _that tone_  kept creeping into his voice. The tone that always accompanied a piercing blue gaze, a gaze that tore up the mind of the other person, until every secret would be laid open and exposed for him to piece back together.

"Ye-yes… of course." Tommy's voice seemed uncertain, slightly shaky.

Adam reprimanded himself; now was not the time to lose yourself to your natural instincts. But it was true – this man was exactly the type of guy he normally went for. His brain was kicking into high gear and trying to flirt, to control, and possibly even get him laid. Now, however, was not the time for his brain to be absent of common sense.

Yet it had been so long since his mind felt like this… felt this free and unchained.

Tommy looked up again, and in that brief moment before the song finished, his rich brown eyes seemed to be  _smiling_. But that expression dropped as soon as the song was finished, like a mask slipped back into place.

"I'll play the medley next, if that's okay." Tommy was asking him a question.

"Sure," he responded back with a smile. "I would love to hear it."

Tommy was very good, and Adam knew that if Monte weren't already in place for guitar, this guy might have acquired the position.

Cliff was in the seat next to him, almost forgotten until the older man started shifting uncomfortably in his chair. This startled Adam out of his reverie and brought him away from a place his mind wanted to control. He was back to his normal self, at least, the self he presented to the public. Adam leaned over to the older man next to him, whispering. "He's really good, what can we do? I really like him, his look, its very glam rock – it's perfect for my band, its image."

"He plays guitar, see if he plays bass as well?" Cliff's answer left the decision entirely in Adam's hands.

When the medley was finished, Adam stood up and clapped, a natural smile gracing his face. "That was excellent! Very good," he finished genuinely.

Tommy put down his guitar, walking over to Adam. "Thank you," he said, shaking Adam's hand. The shake was brief and Adam felt hesitation inside of it.

Everything inside of Adam told him that this guy would be perfect for his band – and their casual conversation about, well, everything – interests, music, books, tattoos, movies – made Adam even more confident. He needed Tommy in his band, but…

"Do you play bass?" Adam asked suddenly. "We already have Monte in place on guitar but I really like you. I think you fit what my band is all about. I think you fit the image of what I'm about as well."

Tommy studied Adam's face carefully, looked over to Cliff who just shrugged in response and back to Adam. "Well, I do play the bass as well. I mostly play guitar, but I have played bass in the past. Do you want me to play something for you? I still remember a few solo pieces. It might take me a minute to set up though; I didn't get a chance to tune it before leaving for the auditions."

Adam was slightly taken aback in curiosity. While he had seen Tommy bring in two guitar cases, he figured it was two guitars, not one of each. "You brought both instruments with you? Why?"

His question wasn't accusatory, and Tommy didn't take it that way. Instead, he just grinned and gave a half-shrug. "I wanted to be prepared for anything. I wasn't selected for bass auditions, but I thought, it couldn't hurt."

Then Tommy stared directly into Adam's blue gaze, and grinned. "Glad I did, aren't you? My bass will rock your world, I guarantee it."

Adam had to laugh at that, and Tommy joined him.

"I like you," Adam said with another one of his smiles. "Go and play for me, let me see how good you are."

Tommy smiled, "I'm straight, but I like you too. From what I know, and I'm a fan ever since my cousin told me about you on  _American Idol_."

Adam placed a hand on Tommy's shoulder in encouragement, "Thanks, I-"

"Yeah," Tommy interrupted quietly, moving his shoulder just slightly out of reach of Adam's hand. "I'll get ready; give me a minute or two to set up again."

A careful eye watched the figure retreating. Cliff didn't seem to notice anything different, but Adam thought he had felt Tommy flinch under his touch. He wasn't positive, but something changed in Tommy's tone of voice as well. Something… he felt distant, even though they were in the same room.

Although Tommy had a false start, he played just as beautifully on bass as he did on guitar. It didn't matter now who would come in for bass auditions – the position would be filled by the time they got here. Tommy was in his band, all he had to do was learn all his parts on bass instead of guitar.

"Congratulations, you're officially part of my band. You are my bass player." Adam told Tommy as the man set his bass down next to his guitar. He held out a hand, another moment of hesitation flashed across Tommy's face, but he seemed to brush it aside.

"Thank you very much." The relief in Tommy's voice didn't seem to match his body language. He acted shy, and pulled his hand away from the shake as quickly as it came about. Long, thin fingers brushed through blond hair. A smile, a mask, two in the same.

Adam's own piercing eyes met that mask with a challenge, his confident side was back. His smile turned into a grin only Tommy could see. His voice seemed as gentle and kind as ever, but Adam's eyes told of dominance and confrontation. "This is just the beginning."


	6. Call My Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe finishes up with Tommy when they receive an interruption by Adam. Adam helps Tommy finish moving out before meeting Monte and Issac for band practice and dinner. Adam notices something wrong with Tommy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Check Coming Soon

_Wash away the past in blood, in scolding water that burns to touch, to turn pale skin a blotchy red color. Watch the water swirl away, watch it mix like candy with red, a blood deceptively bitter._

_Keep cutting deeper; make the pain visible and something you can grasp. Turn the pain external and feel relief course through your veins. Not too deep, not again, but deep enough so the stinging remains._

_The more it stings, the more it hurts, the less your mind will die in pain._

_This is a sort of Redemption too… is it not?_

  
**-Journal excerpt of Tommy Joe Ratliff**

* * *

**Chapter 6:**  Call My Name

* * *

Joe held his forearms against the wall, pinning Tommy's head between them. Tommy's eyes were blank, glazed over with a compliant, accepting look. His head tilted to the side, lips unable to speak in protest.

"So, finally leaving this dump, are you?" Joe sneered. "About time, am I right? It passed by so quickly. You and me."

Tommy felt himself give a small nod in answer.

"How about one last goodbye," He moved his face closer to the blonde's, his breath felt warm against Tommy's lips. "For old time's sake."

"Only you…" Tommy managed weakly, "Could say shit like that, and think it's romantic."

It was the wrong thing to say. Before Tommy could react, he felt Joe's fist against his face and his head banged against the side of his open bedroom door. He slid to the floor slowly, the door moving away from him with a short creak. Joe followed him down, kneeling, grabbing his chin so they were face to face once again.

"Try that again, and you might want to rethink your plans for today." Joe took a slow look at Tommy's body, making his intentions clear. "I have no problem giving you one last send off. The last one you'll  _ever_  have."

Tommy gave the briefest of nods and opened his mouth. Joe really needed to work on his kissing; it was messy and sloppy – very unattractive. Kind of like kissing a large, slobbery dog.

"The front door was open, so I let myself in." Tommy inwardly cursed himself for not locking it. It was Adam. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

Joe cowered slightly at Adam's dominant tone; it caught him momentarily off-guard. He stared at the taller man before realizing he had no chance of winning the challenge Adam had laid out in unspoken terms. Joe laughed, trying to shake it off. Turning back towards Tommy, he recovered himself and grinned. Tommy's head lolled forward, still out of it. Joe touched his chin to bring it up again, the grin on his face made Tommy sick.

"We just finished here." Joe patted Tommy's crotch with his free hand. "He's all yours."

Adam's gaze was unwavering. Joe stood up, obviously not getting the reaction out of the stranger that he wanted. He walked towards the front door. "I already filled out the paperwork to apply for your apartment, so I'm just waiting on their approval. Feel free to leave this dump any time you feel up to it. Get it?  _Up to it_?"

He laughed at his own joke on the way out.  _Bastard,_  Tommy thought wearily.

Slowly he felt another hand lift his chin up, but this hand was warm and gentle and kind. Adam's gaze softened, but was still sharp and curious. "What's wrong?"

Three months ago, Tommy had started to retreat into himself whenever Joe wanted sex, whenever he wanted to make-out with him on a whim. You would be surprised how easily it is to lose yourself when you really want to. A puppet being controlled by its strings was nothing more than an empty shell; a toy to be controlled and played with at will.

"Tommy," Adam's voice again. "Talk to me."

He blinked in return; Adam was touching him, his fingers resting lightly against his chin. Tommy waited for Adam to make his move. Joe or Adam or someone else, it didn't matter who it would be this time. Without emotions or awareness of space, time always slipped by. It would be over before he knew it, over so quickly.

Another hand brushed against Tommy's head, this one felt for injuries as it brushed strands of blonde hair out of his face. That hand… Tommy felt himself lean into its touch. It smelled like Adam. He decided he liked that smell. It was sweet, somehow, and wonderful.

 _Did Adam want to do it with me too?_  Tommy wondered. That hand was bigger than his. He kissed it gently, urging Adam to make his move.

"Tommy. Look at me, baby." His voice was calling to Tommy, an order, it pleaded with him. Tommy looked up into Adam's eyes. They were concerned, worried and demanding all at once. "Talk to me, baby, please. Tell me what's wrong."

"Baby…" Tommy repeated. "Glitterbaby, right?"

Adam chuckled a little bit. "Yeah, that's you."

Tommy had looked away again, but he was starting to come back to reality. "Adam… Lambert?"

A light of recognition shone in Tommy's eyes. He started to stir, to look around him and finally, at Adam. "What are you… what… doing here? What am I…?"

Adam stood up quietly, giving the blonde space to breath, to relax, to think. He waited patiently for Tommy to come around.

"Oh," He remembered now. "Sorry you had to see that, that was… my roommate, Joe."

He tried to stand up, but his knees weren't back to reality just yet. His body didn't want to move on its own. Adam kneeled down again, supporting Tommy as he stood up. Tommy held onto his arm, determined not to let go. Not until he felt better. Something about Adam made him relax, open himself up despite internal pleadings to keep himself closed off.

 _Don't get too close,_  Tommy's mind repeated to him, over and over.

"It's… I don't want to talk about it. It's over, it's… all over." Tommy just wished he could believe his own words. He was moving out of his apartment, away from Joe and his band but something nagged at the back of his brain. Was Joe really the type to just 'let go', or was there something more in his mind being planned, exercised for a twisted style of revenge? Would it be over like this, so easily?

Adam's expression matched his own in curious disbelief, but there wasn't anything Tommy could really say about that. Not much, anyways. Besides, he didn't trust Adam well enough to tell him the truth. "He is the singer for the rock band, Hell's Tourniquet. I was his lead guitarist…"

Tommy let go of Adam's arm, breathing a sigh of relief. Back to normal, everything was back to normal again – at least, for now.

"Come on," he said to Adam, changing the subject. "I finished packing most of my things into boxes. We just need to pack up the computer and some books, and we can start moving things out to the truck. We probably can't do this all in one trip, so let's just fit as many boxes as we can in the trunk and go from there."

He walked towards his bedroom, "This is my room…"

Tommy felt a hand against the back of his neck, just between his shoulder blades. Adam's hand moved in little circles, rubbing up and down his spine, relaxing tension Tommy wasn't aware he had been carrying. He leaned his head back in response and closed his eyes.

"I'm here." Adam's voice.

Tommy smiled, "I know. But I can't- with you..."

Adam repeated his words, calming and forceful. "I'm here."

He gave Adam a sad smile, and turned around. Tommy caught Adam's hand as it dropped. "Thanks."

Later that day, as evening rolled around, Adam realized that they still needed to get to Monte's house to get in some practice with the band. There wasn't any rush to get everything moved out that day, so Adam and Tommy swung by Tommy's new apartment and quickly offloaded the truck. An hour later, it was time to meet Monte and Isaac, the drummer.

"Whose truck is this, anyways?" Tommy asked as they pulled into Monte's driveway.

"Monte's, I think." Adam answered as he shifted the truck into park.

"You think?" He shut the passenger side door, walking around towards the front of the house. "I thought you would have asked before taking off with someone's-"

"Well…" Adam continued, digging through his memories. "Well, I think it actually belongs to his wife, but my impression is that he likes driving  _it_  more than his car, so he  _tells me_  that it's his."

"Ah."

Adam hopped out of the driver's seat, and locked the door with an automatic beep. "His wife and the kids – he has two – are at a birthday party slash sleepover. She's one of the chaperones, so we have the entire house to ourselves. It's the main reason we got to practice here today; we don't have to be quiet when curfew time for the kids come around. That and he said it would be nice to practice away from the studio for once. He's really looking forward to hanging out with you and Isaac. He's a good guy, when you get to know him; he has an odd sense of humor."

Tommy felt Adam's stare and looked away, at the small two story townhouse. It was cream colored with white trim, and the front door was attached to a quaint front porch/patio. The sudden touch on his neck almost made him jump out of his skin, his heart revved in zero to sixty in three seconds flat.

Adam held up his hands. "It's just me," Tommy was too jumpy, he knew that, but at the same time, he couldn't control it either. Even if he trusted someone, without warning no matter how many times…

"Tommy." Adam placed his hand on the back of Tommy's neck again. Saying his name like that became a warning signal, and Adam had used a specific, demanding tone unique to that command. "It will be okay. The band, the people. Just be yourself, relax and don't worry about how we might think of you. We all have things we're afraid of, things to learn and things to overcome."

Tommy nodded, his body started to naturally relax, the soothing motions Adam's hand used to calm him down was working. They've only known each other a short time, but already Adam was steps ahead of him. Just like Mia.

"People don't change overnight," He told Adam as they reached the front door. Adam's hand was still on the back of his neck.

"No one does. People change over time, and sometimes it builds up to the point where it feels like it does." Adam dropped his hand. "I'm not like him."

"Who, Joe?" The statement caught Tommy off-guard, but he couldn't deny it. Instead, he said, "I trust in myself."

"We'll see." It sounded like a challenge. Adam was definitely not like anyone else Tommy had met, but he kind of knew that from the beginning. Tommy took a deep breath, before stepping inside the house.

"Hey Adam, Tommy." Monte greeted them as they stepped inside. He shook Adam's hand and pulled him into a hug. "Good to see you again."

Tommy eyed him carefully, quickly moving around to the other side of Adam, just out of Monte's "hug" range. Just in case. In the end, Monte reached out to shake his hand as well – after all, this was really the first time outside of the studio that they would really being hanging out with each other. Tommy took no time in stepping just out of reach, busying himself with taking off his jacket and shoes. This might make him look stuck up or rude to ignore the host and a friendly greeting. To be honest, Tommy had had enough "touching" for one day and he was beginning to not particularly care who he shrugged off at this point.

Being in a new place, a different house unsettled him, and it would be hard to avoid contact in such a small space with only four people. Someone was bound to get too close, or touch him causally on the shoulder during conversation.

However, Adam had unexpectedly come to his rescue for the second time that day. Adam stepped smoothly in-between him and Monte nonchalantly, a smile on his face.

"Come on now," Adam goaded lightly. "I've been helping this guy," he pointed to Tommy. "Move to his new apartment all day and I'm  _starving_. Something bad might happen if we practice on an empty stomach."

"Okay Mr. Rock Star." Monte said slyly. "But you're paying."

"Wait," Adam paused. "What? How does that work out? You're the host tonight."

Monte's attention had shifted to Adam without a second thought, probably out of habit – the ability to do that, it happens with friends you've known a long time. Tommy didn't know much about Monte other then he and Adam were once in a band together, a long time ago.

He followed Adam and Monte past a small den, the bathroom and a staircase leading up to the second floor. He looked around, the living room was in front of him and to the right was a giant pantry sitting in the middle of the house like a giant column. It blocked the view of the kitchen entirely, but just to the right was the dining room.

"We ordered from Pizza Hut and a few things from Taco Bell." Isaac shouted from the kitchen. He came strolling in with two giant pizza boxes in his hands and a few Taco Bell bags sitting on top.

Isaac's words had Adam glaring at Monte, who just held up his hands with an innocent look on his face. Adam broke into a smile. "You already had dinner waiting and you didn't tell me."

"I deny any such thing." Monte responded.

"I'm still not paying, rock star or no. It would just go straight into your pocket anyways."

"I'm more surprised you didn't  _smell_ it, Adam." Isaac's voice was muffled. Tommy noticed he had already set the table, and started on what looked to be a supreme pizza with everything, minus the anchovies.

As Monte entered the dining room to sit next to Isaac, Adam turned towards Tommy and waited. The dining room started filling up with conversation. Slowly, hesitantly, Tommy walked towards Adam, stopping just short of his reach and glanced up.

It was like another staring contest, one that Adam had no intention of losing. But his stare wasn't defiant or confrontational like it had been with Joe. It was almost… comforting. "Trust me."

Adam stepped back, a hand beckoning Tommy towards the dining room. His body language told Tommy he was trying to keep his distance, and the look on Adam's face was sincere and confident. The very same confidence that Joe had, which made Tommy shiver involuntary.

Adam's voice was soft, but stronger this time. "Trust me." He repeated.

Tommy felt himself looking towards the dining room, even two people were one too many when he was in this state. If this wasn't band practice, he would have loved to skip this evening entirely. But this was part of his dream, being in Adam's band, and he wouldn't back down now. Yet… all the same, he felt his body back away, he felt his brain taking over without permission. It wanted Tommy to walk away, to hide until the people were gone. To go somewhere safe.

Quickly Adam moved to cover him, block him from view of the dining room and the people inside it. He stood a short distance away, but slowly started closing in the distance.

"Tommy." His hand touched Tommy's chin and lifted it gently. Adam's gaze held his body in place, frozen in time. Tommy's body was betraying him again; it relaxed completely into Adam's hands without resistance. Adam said the words again, giving Tommy a light kiss on the cheek. "Trust me."

Tommy nodded in compliance, he couldn't do anything else. His world revolved around this man, it always seemed to revolve around men no matter what he did. And yet… just for tonight, because it had been such a long night… maybe it would be okay this time.

Adam slid his hand down to Tommy's wrist and led him towards the dining room. His voice was still a whisper as he spoke. "I'm not like anyone else. I'm me, Adam. Just Adam."

Tommy nodded again, sitting down next to Adam, across from Monte and Isaac. As Adam reached over for a slice of pizza, he whispered once more into Tommy's ear as he brushed past. "I'll prove it to you, no matter how long it takes."

Another nod before reaching into the Taco Bell bags to pull out two crunchy beef tacos and a bean and chicken burrito. He still felt kind of out of it, but able to carry on a decently normal conversation, so his mind hadn't retreated too deeply within itself, unlike earlier.

Every time Tommy felt his mind start to surface towards reality, start to panic because the people surrounding him were closing in – Adam would touch him in just the right way, and he would be completely under Adam's control once again. Whether on his chin or cheek, or the simple act of brushing the hair out of his eyes when the guys weren't looking – a simple touch and Tommy found himself fall back into his mind, to a sanctuary created out of fear. Just like that, the panic would disappear, and his mind would stop screaming at him to run and escape somewhere safe.

 _Just for tonight, it wouldn't be so bad._  Tommy thought to himself.  _Just for tonight._


	7. Streets in Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy checks his phone messages, Adam goes on a date with his boyfriend and Tommy reveals a side of himself he thought he had under control. Adam to the rescue! :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Check Coming Soon

" _Hey cuz, it's Mia. How are you doing? How's the arm? The doctor said you should be able to take the stitches out in-"_  Message deleted.

Next message.  _"Hello Mr. Ratliff, this is Dr. Downes office. He said you should probably come back in for a check-up soon to make sure that arm of yours is healing properly. If it starts to hurt or the stitches reopen, please come back in immediately. Dr. Downes said to make sure you're changing the bandages once in a while, if not daily or every other day as a precaution. In a few weeks, he said we might be able to take the stitches out. To schedule an appointment or if you have any questions, call-"_  Message deleted.

Next message.  _"Hey Tommy, its Isaac. Monte said to let everyone know that we'll be having band rehearsal again. Can't practice too much, right? Plus we get to meet the keyboard player this time. Not sure who it is yet, though, so stay tuned. They won't be able to come until later in the evening, so they get leftovers if they're still hungry. If we have any leftovers left, that is. I'll be the one hosting the get-together this time, so be sure to come to my house instead. Free food and I'll even clean up the place before you get here. I live at-"_  Message saved.

Next message.  _"It's Isaac again. Sorry, I forgot to mention the time. Food will be here around 5pm so-"_  Message saved.

Next message.  _"Glitterbaby. Just wanted to remind you that I won't be able to help you finish moving out today. I have a date with Joshua – I made it a while back. Be careful. If you need help, call Monte or Isaac, although Isaac doesn't have a truck. Let me know if your_ _old roommate gives you any problems; I'll be glad to come down in that case and kick his ass. Or stare it down. Take care. Adam."_  Message saved.

No new messages. Replay messages?  _Click._

 

 

* * *

**Chapter 7:** Streets in Chaos

* * *

Tommy could feel the wave of nausea and dizziness coming before it hit him. The way his eyes became unfocused, the way his head felt heavy and his legs having the sudden urge to give out on him. The back of his head hit the bricks, his vision going crazy with flashes of white light and spotted stars.

 _Breathe in and out slowly,_  He told himself.  _It'll pass… in just a second…_

Breathing slowly helped, but it wasn't enough.  _This couldn't have happened in a worse place,_  He told himself grimly.

He pushed away from the brick wall of the antique store, pushing through the crowded sidewalk to the nearby alley. A dead end, it held two dumpsters and an overstuffed metal garbage can – but the alley itself was empty. Tommy breathed a sigh of relief as the people continued to pass him by instead of pushing into him.

A warm, dripping liquid slipped though the edges of the bandages, trailing down his hand and dropping softly onto bits of lose rock and gravel and brick. Tommy sighed, running his free hand through his hair in disbelief. He hadn't meant for this to happen again, but it did. He thought he was being careful when he had used his razor again, when he reopened the stitches on his left arm.

Whenever the pressure inside him would build up, when the stress he felt at his job, stressful customers with complaints, even in everyday life and always having to pretend nothing is wrong – eventually, those repressed emotions had to go somewhere. Being able to externalize that pain was a relief of sorts, watching the blood drip down his arm made the tension, angry and emotional build up drip away as well. It was like a drug, he had to keep doing it periodically to feel better.

Once, just before Tommy had met Adam for the first time, he had made the mistake of cutting too deeply. It happened again, even if it wasn't quite as bad. Still… now he was trapped. He couldn't go to the bathroom stop the bleeding or if he felt like fainting, he couldn't do so in the safety of his apartment.

People were starting to crowd around him as he slowly collapsed on the floor, the bricks scraping the back of his head in short bursts of pain.

" _Is he okay?" "Who is it?" "Will it pass? What should we do?"_  
"He's bleeding, but only a little, should we call 911?"  
"He looks so odd, is he in a rock band or something?" "A runaway, perhaps?"

Normally he could handle an outing to the grocery store, clothes shopping or what have you. It was kind of like going to work – if you shut yourself down, retreated into your mind, to that safe place, and focused on one task at a time, the world would pass by in a blur. Soon enough, Tommy knew he would eventually find himself back home, relaxing in his bedroom and surfing the internet on his computer.

But not today; the pain in his arm was bringing his mind away from his safe place instead of pulling him in. It dragged him out kicking and screaming until he could feel the people around him, their bodies closing in, suffocating him and squeezing tightly until he could no longer breathe.

All at once his body started becoming overwhelmed with sensations. The smells from the dumpsters and garbage cans, the perfume and colognes and shampoos from people leaning in trying to see if this man really needed help mixed together with the words they spoke to him.

His brain became jumbled, confused and overwhelmed to the point where he no longer knew where he was, or even who he was. The only thing this man knew was of being surrounded, and trapped inside his own body, inside his own mind going crazy from over-stimulation. Nothing made sense. He couldn't move the way he wanted to and the multiple sensations he felt and heard and smelled and touched left him dizzier then before.

The bricks were hard and kept scratching at his head, the ground full of gravel and pebbles that people accidently kicked over on their way to see who this man was – the man, dressed differently from the normal person, the man who wore makeup but wasn't in drag, whose hairstyle was unusual and eye-catching.

His breath started to hitch in his throat. There wasn't enough oxygen getting to his brain and he was beyond the point of being able to separate his emotions and the input from the world around him. His ability to think and speak was dying, until he was within his mind – screaming in panic and pain and terror.

The world itself was making less and less sense. The ability to recognize objects and people were blending together in one massive melting pot. If he closed his eyes, maybe he would be less confused by the movement around him. Maybe.

The darkness didn't help him this time. Closing his eyes didn't make things better. Even covering his ears wasn't doing anything to make the world stop talking and asking questions he could no longer understand. His arm was killing him now – at least he could still recognize he felt pain.

If only the world would stop, if he could just get his bearings, things would be okay again. He wished time would just… stop.

* * *

Meanwhile, about half an hour before all this happened, Adam was meeting his boyfriend, Joshua, at the other side of the market place. They had just finishing eating at a local French café. Joshua still had yet to meet Adam's band, and Adam hadn't bothered telling him the about its members. At least, not yet…

"So when can I meet them?" Joshua pouted. His wavy black hair bounced lightly against his face. "You keep telling me you have a band, and that they are really nice people. Are you hiding them from me?"

Adam laughed, "Nothing like that, Joshua. I promise you'll get to meet them eventually, but I'm still getting to know them personally, so until I'm comfortable with them…"

"Ah," he responded. He swung Adam's hand lightly between them. "I get it, I get it. You just want to get to know them first, before introducing the boyfriend. That might get awkward, under the right circumstances."

"I just want the band, including me, to feel comfortable with each other completely before meeting friends and family and yes, boyfriends. I know, they would probably love you," he touched Joshua's nose lightly. "But for you, if you can wait for me, that would be great."

"I'll wait however long it takes." The smaller man responded back with a smile. "I  _love_  you sooo much."

"And I love you too, Joshua." Adam smiled. This was how it usually went with his boyfriends; sweet, romantic and as one of his close friends had pointed out, "Pepto-Bismol inducing – because it makes me sick to my stomach to watch".

Conversation between the two of them flowed naturally, and it was always a fun and enjoyable experience when they were together. What bothered Adam was the fact that his dominating side was almost dormant, practically non-existent in this case. With the last few boyfriends, all of them have been the normal-type, romantic, sometimes sweet, sometimes not. It varied, but none of them had brought out his possessive side like Tommy.

Tommy Joe Ratliff. The name and face he couldn't get out of his mind.

They had walked half the market place and were ready to go shopping in the local strip malls in the area. The first stop would be near the antique store, because on either side, were two clothing stores he frequented often and one of the most fascinating jewelry places Adam had ever seen this side of town.

Suddenly Joshua stopped short, causing Adam to almost run into him. The smaller man pointed to a crowd in the distance. "Who is that? They're surrounding someone. He looks injured, I think…"

Adam could feel himself changing inside as he recognized the blonde man in distress. The sweet, romantic Adam versus the dominate, controlling Adam. Maybe it was fate that led him here, to this particular antique store, or maybe his body led him here because it sensed Tommy needed help.

His instincts had sent a bad feeling coursing through his body involuntary. That unpredictable feeling, he wanted to, needed to control it. Whether it was fear or anticipation or any other emotion – nothing would ever possess or control his mind and body without him allowing it to.

"Hey, Adam, what are you thinking about?" Joshua interrupted.

That piercing blue gaze that tore a person up inside, it wouldn't leave him alone. Adam's gaze shifted to Joshua; it scared the man.

"A-Adam… what's wrong?" He stepped backwards, a tiny movement, barely noticeable, but Adam caught it.

"I think you need to go home now." His attention drew back towards the small gathering of people, to the person they were so curious about. The object of their attention.

Joshua was persistent. He could see the man as well. "What's wrong? Do you know that man?"

Adam's voice was cold and highly possessive; it was a tone he had never used with Joshua before. "He's in my band. He's  _my_  bass player."

He motioned for Joshua to leave. "You should go. He wouldn't want anyone to see him like this."

Adam's voice didn't leave room for discussion or complaints. The glare Joshua held in his eyes proved he didn't like this new side of Adam, but one look at Adam, and the smaller man immediately knew he had lost.

He shrugged it off. It was probably a band thing anyways, sticking together like that. "Sure, no problem, Adam."

But now Joshua was suspicious of this mysterious bass player, and he didn't hide his dislike for the entire situation. Either Adam didn't care, or he had chosen to shrug off Joshua's personal opinions for later.

"I love you, Adam." Joshua said as he left. It was a test. Adam didn't respond to him. He walked on ahead of Joshua, leaving him behind, before Adam heard his boyfriend call out to him one last time. "I understand you're worried so this time, I'll forgive you."

Joshua didn't move from his spot, choosing instead to watch as Adam left him, walking across the empty street alone.

"Hey watch… it…" A woman shouted, but stopped short as Adam weaved his way past her. He was beautiful, and held a charisma that drew upon the attention of others, held them captive without a second thought.

The way he moved, the way he acted, every eye follow him, every eye knew that  _this stranger_  knew the blonde man who had collapsed on the floor.

"You know this man?" An older man asked him.

"Yeah," Adam replied, a hint of amusement in his voice. "He's my friend. I know what's wrong, he's done this before."

Adam knelt down in front of Tommy, touching the side of his face in a caress, trying to stir him out of his panic and the madness. Tommy responded to his touch, a twitch of movement. This settled the curiosity of the onlookers. None of them wanted to make the call, they were all uncertain and afraid, but still willing to try to help or gawk at the unusual man in trouble.

As the crowd slowly departed, Adam felt eyes watching him, focused and intent. Joshua. He also felt the morbid prying eyes of the people around him, from the cars that slowed down as they passed by, the people who turned their heads as they walked - he fed off of that emotion hungrily. He would show them all who this small, blonde man belonged too. They weren't going to hurt or touch his special Glitterbaby anymore. Adam would make sure they wouldn't cause Tommy any more pain today.

This man was beautiful, too, in his own right; innocent – this man was  _his_  and it was their fault he was in this state. Adam knew something inside of him had snapped the moment his mind had figured out it was Tommy who had collapsed on the pavement.

He pulled the man towards him; Tommy was still trapped inside his own mind, still unresponsive to touch or sound. Adam could wait.

This side of him was always caged, sleeping but when it was released, it felt like a type of freedom. Uninhibited. Perhaps this was his version of "love". Adam wasn't sure, but he never questioned his instincts. If his Glitterbaby brought out this side of him, then it was for a reason and he wouldn't deny himself or Tommy that. He wouldn't run away from uncertainty and he wouldn't fall victim to how society thinks  _he_  should act. Tommy seemed to need this side of him, and he was going to be damned if anything or anyone stood in his way.

* * *

 "Tommy." That voice cut past the haze inside his brain. The numbness that settled in was starting to disappear. Things were coming back one by one. Smells and noises separated and became something he could identify clearly.

"Tommy." His name again; it jolted his mind forward each time. There was a hand caressing his skin, soothing his hair, holding him safe. He could feel the gravel against his skin, smell a familiar scent. Tommy knew who touched him but couldn't place his name.

His mind couldn't access the proper information fast enough; he was still lost in a body that refused to obey him. The slow and confusing process of remembering and his broken senses threaten to envelope him once more in a guise of chaos and panic.

"Help… me…" Tommy's voice was broken and pleading, his eyes refused to focus on his surroundings; he had to close them again. "Please… I'm begging…"

He wanted to cry, although he felt it was something he might be ashamed of, he couldn't figure out why. Tommy felt the man pull him closer. Arms closed in around him, warm and possessive and strong; he felt safe in those arms.

In a sea of chaos, something was finally starting to anchor him down and bring him back. Adam spoke to him. "Trust me." A simple command.

Those words again, though, they scared him. Tommy started fighting to get away. He couldn't trust him – he couldn't trust any man, never. Nothing could get him to do that. But, Adam only pulled him in closer to his body; to a rhythmic heart beating against his ear, a steady breathing pattern, and a voice that never wavered, a voice always in control. "I'm here, baby."

He felt Adam kiss his lips, gentle despite his authoritative tone. Tommy kissed him back, and opened his eyes. Adam's blue gaze stared right back, a gaze that held no fear or any of those silly little emotions that belonged to the chaos outside.

Adam stroked the back of Tommy's neck, moving it up and down with a surprising gentleness. Another hand caressed his hair and cheek.

"You belong to me, Glitterbaby." Adam instructed, without bothering to ask permission. Tommy nodded silently; his arms wrapped themselves tightly around Adam's chest. "You will do as I say."

Tommy looked up again, into blue captivating eyes. He had no intention of saying no, of denying this man anything. Eager to please, his body relaxed.

"Will you always follow me?" Adam asked. It sounded like an order, but Tommy didn't care. Someone was here to take the pain away. He wouldn't be scared anymore, and that's what really mattered.

"Yes." He answered freely. "Anywhere."

Tommy was met with a sly grin as he was pulled to his feet. Adam had won. "Then let's go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> 1\. Dr. Downes name was based off of the musical director David Downes (from the Celtic Woman concert series).  
> 2\. Joe's name was based off of Joe Jonas (dunno why, but he kinda looks like Joe too)  
> 3\. Joshua (Adam's 'boyfriend') is obviously my own creation. He is intentionally over-the-top. A 'serious' boyfriend may sneak his way in later (because jealously is always fun to read about xD)  
> 4\. Joshua was based off of a (minor/extemporary) character of the same name in the manga series, La Esperança.


	8. Bathroom Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua shares his doubts and Dom!Adam appears to give the singer a duel personality. Adam finds out about Tommy's self-injury and shows off his impressive (but limited) medical training. Tommy relinquishes (some) of his trust issues and we find out who the new keyboard player is!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Check Coming Soon
> 
> This Chapter: Self-Injury (Tommy tries to deal with it by talking with Adam), blood (changing stitches can be messy if said stitches have reopened)

"I know he loves me," Joshua told himself as Adam led his bass player to the car. It was all the way across the market place, but Joshua didn't feel like following them. "He told me himself that he loves me."

But he couldn't get the image of them out of his head. Something was different between them; it felt off, unique almost. He couldn't hear anything they said, but Joshua could see them through the traffic, the people around him. How close they were, how desperate the bass player seemed to be as he clung to Adam for support.

At one point Joshua felt it, saw Adam gaze at him from across the street – but this wasn't the Adam he knew. His look, those eyes, they didn't belong to his boyfriend, not anymore.

Adam had held Tommy in his arms for no more than a few minutes, yet the blonde had completely fallen under some sort of spell; Adam had turned the man into a puppet with strings only he could manipulate.

Joshua kicked an empty soda can across the sidewalk; it rolled into a passing baby stroller. The mother glared at him. She held the same glare that Adam had given him earlier, except with Adam – it was scarier somehow.

"But I won't be jealous!" Joshua told himself confidently. "It's because that man was in his band that he reacted so strongly. Yeah… that's right. His band is important to him, so he was just helping the guy out. I'm not jealous. Just because they looked so comfortable with each other…"

* * *

 **Chapter 8:**  Bathroom Lessons

* * *

"You belong to me, Glitterbaby." The moment Adam's declaration began to sink in, Tommy felt his panic recede like the slow turn of a dial. His mind began to let go of reality, emotionally complacent and docile.

"Why…" He asked the taller man. "Why you? Why don't I panic when I'm around you? No one else…"

"I think you know the answer." Adam answered without hesitation. "Look inside and find out for yourself, what you believe in."

Adam grabbed his hair, yanking Tommy's head towards him; he couldn't hide the personal enjoyment he felt of the situation. People walked by the alley entrance, but he didn't try to hide. He wanted them to see; he wanted to lay everything out in the open for those so interested.

His grip was strong. Tommy felt a passion and strength unique to this man burning throughout his hands and emotions. Adam moved his face closer, this conversation was private. "I want you to try and fight me. Try to hurt me. Try to runaway and escape. Yell and scream out as loud as you can."

Pleasure and entertainment danced around Adam's voice, it enthrall Tommy despite the fact that it should have turned him off. That grin, it was familiar to both of them by now. "No matter what you do, it won't be enough. There is no alarm, no call for help."

Blood trickled down his hand, the bandages were stained a flushed red on one side of his arm. Adam grabbed the exact spot the razor had entered Tommy's arm, breaking the stitches open one by one. It hurt, made him wince in pain, he couldn't escape or twist away. One hand let go of his face, but the other gripped even tighter, the pain increasing. Tommy kept his gaze steady. "Kill yourself with pain over and over again, because it won't help you. I own your mind and your soul. I won't let you go."

Tommy saw strangers walk by, gaping and awed, they wanted to know, he felt their curiosity. Adam released his grip, letting the arm drop towards Tommy's side, lifeless. In the same fell motion, Adam dragged his fingers across Tommy's jaw line. "How I feel, what I think, I don't know yet. But I refuse to let you go, to let you out of my sight. Lovers. Friends. Acquaintances. Those are nothing more than fancy words."

Adam ran his thumb across Tommy's face, a caress. "You're my soul mate. I have to protect you. From them, from yourself, from those silly fears that make you so scared, you have to injure yourself to escape from them. I don't know what we are, what this is called."

"Adam…" Realization rode Tommy's mind across a slow roar, it was a truth he didn't want to see, tried to deny. "You're not like them, not like Joe or the others..."

"You don't have to trust me." Adam looked towards the busy street, before turning back. "Because I'm not going anywhere. What we're getting into, there's no turning back. Whether we are platonic or sexual or something else entirely, I don't know the future. We create our own, and right now, that's all I know."

Thin fingers ran their way down Adam's chest, across his shirt and black leather jacket. "Can I trust you?"

"You don't need to." Adam repeated. "Because you belong to me. That's all the security you should need. Let your mind go and do what comes naturally. Trust that I know what I'm doing."

"I won't have to be alone?" Tommy's mind was already falling under Adam's control, it was slowing down, refocusing, unwinding.

"Let your mind go, Glitterbaby." He ordered. "No one will hurt you anymore. No one."

There it was, Tommy could feel it, he was no longer afraid of being surrounded or overwhelmed. That sandpaper that scratched his brain when people touched him was fading every second. Calming, giving in, the knowledge that he couldn't escape or be left behind. "Is this… trust?"

Adam didn't answer him; the kiss against his lips did the talking.  _I'm not going to be left behind or forgotten._

Tommy barely remembered what happened on the way to his new apartment. Adam told him where to go, what to do, and it felt great somehow. Not having to constantly worry, being on edge and afraid every second, every moment you leave the safety of your home.

Ever since Tommy was a child, he had always had a fear of strangers, of people and skin contact. He didn't know where it had come from or why. Maybe his mind wanted to forget why, or maybe it was genetic, yet right at this moment – it didn't matter because for the first time in his life, he felt safe within the crowds that belonged to the outside world.

"We're here." Adam cut through his brain, his thoughts. Tommy nodded.

The car door opened, Adam's hand pulled Tommy out, leading him towards the apartment complex. Built in the last five years, the apartments were well cared for inside and out – they still looked good after so many years. Set in the mid-price range with gated entry.

"Adam…" He reached his hand out, something was missing. Adam smiled that smile again.

"Tommy." The warning command, followed by Adam's hand rubbing the back of his neck, leading him, continuing to guide him and keep him safe.

They walked up two flights of stairs, Eagle River apartment number 205. Large one bedroom and the bathtub/shower combo was also a hot tub/Jacuzzi. Plus, he could even see part of the harbor from here, next to the industrial district, of course.

"Get in the bathroom and wait for me." Another command, Tommy followed unquestioningly. He waited on the side of the tub, letting the blood trickle slowly. His left hand felt weird when he flexed it, the dried blood had created streaks in designs. His hand felt weaker.

Half an hour went by, and Adam still hadn't returned. Had he gone to get supplies from the store without telling him? Tommy had plenty of bandages and some of that rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. He wanted to go look, but there was something in Adam's voice that stopped him.

He wanted to call out to see what was wrong, if anything was wrong, but Adam wasn't the type of person to leave without telling him. To leave Tommy behind, he didn't think Adam could do that.

"It's called trust," Adam said as he strolled back inside the bathroom. The door clicked shut behind him. "I wanted two things from you."

Tommy looked at him, puzzled, waited for him to continue. "I wanted trust. For you to feel it, to know what it is so it would be easier to apply next time. And… I waited."

Adam walked over to Tommy, crouching down in front of him. "I don't know why, but you seem to go to a different place in your head, an obedient place, whenever I – or someone else – touches you in certain ways, in intimate ways. I wanted to talk to you. I waited until your mind felt safe enough to come back to me."

His hand slid impulsively across Tommy's face. When Tommy started to lean towards his touch, Adam immediately withdrew his hand.

"Do you feel better?" Adam's voice was back to normal. He pulled out the bandages, alcohol, scissors and cleaning pads from the small medical tin on the counter.

"Betterer." Tommy replied, quoting one of Adam's songs.

Adam glowered lightly, smirking. "Ah-ha," He held up a finger. "Now you're just making fun of me."

"How did your date go?" He asked, as Adam started cutting through the wrappings. Tommy looked away. He didn't really want to see his arm like this, to see the cuts he made that morning, the broken stitches. Adam quickly caught onto his reaction; he wasn't happy.

"Don't turn away," He instructed, ignoring Tommy's previous inquiry. Tommy faced him again, before looking down at his arm. It was bloody, mostly dried blood, but he saw the section that had opened up. Tiny black stitches poked out in varied directions, having been cleanly sliced through. For some reason, it turned his stomach – which made him thankful he hadn't eaten anything recently.

Adam picked up the tweezers and started pulling out the loose bits of black thread. "You're lucky I know advanced first aid, Glitterbaby. I want you to keep watching me."

Tommy knew what Adam was up to, what he was trying to indirectly tell him. If it was going to be painful, if it was going to make him sick to his stomach to watch him work, then Tommy knew he had no right to look away. Like a punishment, a memory he would be able to access the next time he decided to fuck himself up like this.

"Even though you reopened your wound here…" Adam pointed to a spot on Tommy's upper forearm. "It looked like it was almost healed, so you didn't do too much damage." He wiped the blood away with an alcohol covered pad. "You can see here, that the bleeding has almost stopped. The lower half of your arm still needs time to close; those were much deeper to begin with, however…"

At some point, Adam began talking to himself as he worked. It had been a while since he had to dig though his memory banks to access his medical training, such as it was.

"I wish you would go see an actual doctor rather than settle for my lovely workmanship…"

Tommy winced as Adam continued to work; he felt the pain becoming higher and sharper with each twist of Adam's wrist. God knows why, but at first he really hadn't noticed the god-awful burning sensation spiking up his arm in short pinpricks.

"Hurts, I bet." He paused, contemplating, before grabbing a can of beer from behind him. He opened it before giving it to Tommy. "I pulled it out of your fridge. It's not as good as Advil, but you need to remember this. Remember the pain, the consequences."

He emptied half the can before he found his voice again. "You're never going to let me forget this are you?"

Adam shrugged, picking up the tweezers and another moist alcohol pad. "Even if I lectured you, would it have really made a difference? Nothing I say would have made an impact. I don't know your story and I'm just getting to know you, as a person. I'd imagine you've heard the lectures a million times by now, anyways. What I say doesn't really matter."

He almost chocked on some of his beer when a realization hit him. While this side of Adam didn't openly show his emotions, Tommy could tell something was really bothering him. "You're… upset with me?"

"Is that so hard to understand?" His voice was neutral again. "You have a lot to learn. You're a guitarist, you should know shit like this could damage your career – if not worse, you know?"

The moment Tommy looked away, Adam immediately stopped working again. "Look," he started. "Whether you want my help or not doesn't matter. I'm going to do what I want to do, you can like it or hate it, but I have a feeling that you need my help right now, in more ways than one."

Tommy reached out towards Adam, but his hand was knocked away instantly. A mixture of anger and impatience started to surface in Adam's voice. "Don't even try it, Tommy. I want you fully aware of your surroundings, I won't let you run and hide because it's hard to deal with – not this time."

Adam felt himself slip into another dimension of his personality. He kept Tommy's gaze level with his own, a direct and commanding one. "Don't look away. Until I'm done, you will keep your gaze on your arm. Hurts to look at, huh? Good."

He returned to his work. "After this I'll get you another drink and let you rest for a couple hours. We'll head to Isaac's place later. I want you to meet the new keyboard player, Zac Baird. I worked with him on the album. The original keyboardist we had from the auditions… they didn't work out, so he stepped in last minute. I'm thrilled I get to work with him again, he's a great guy."

"I'm sorry." Adam had a feeling the blonde wasn't talking about Zac or the original keyboardist.

Tommy wasn't sure what had come over him, but all of a sudden, he was beginning to feel a sense of regret. He drank the last of the can, throwing it across the shower. It bounced off the wall and ricocheted around the bottom of the tub before settling down.

Tommy snorted in a sense of disgust – this man was making him actually regret his actions.

"You…" He really needed more alcohol, but on an empty stomach, it was working better than expected. "You're making me regret what I did. Not completely, but I just don't get it… Everyone else spouts their mouth off about why I shouldn't cut myself, or they tell me I should act or think a certain way but you didn't… It's like you knew what I really needed…"

"I'm different from them." Adam stated simply. Three more half-stitches to go, and he would be able to clean the arm once over before wrapping the bandages.

"I know," Tommy interrupted him. "You're Adam."

Adam smiled. "Now you're getting it. I knew you would, Glitterbaby. I knew you would eventually."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who are like: "it's not realistic" - this is just a story. I do my best when writing (about self-injury and medical training).
> 
> I don't have any medial background... I have, however, watched too many hospital shows at one point in time (like ER when Noah Wyle was still a main cast member).
> 
> Anyways, just enjoy and skip over any inconsistencies you might find (thanks!)... -_-;


	9. Dreams of Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy has a nightmare about Adam and retreats inside himself when he wakes up. Adam tries to reason with Tommy, only to find his Dom!personality returning. Adam realizes Tommy has multiple issues he needs to work through before the blonde can go on tour with the band.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Check Coming Soon

I woke up to the rough edges of the steak knife dragging against my skin, up and down my chest. The danger didn't register until I looked over at my arm and felt the sharp tip pressing a red, rough line in my skin, sawing away at the bandages to revealing the scaring and stitching.

The hand holding the knife wasn't mine. It teased and flirted with death – my death.

The sharp edges dragged along my stomach, occasionally pressing hard enough to dot my skin with tiny droplets of red. My breathing became shallow, fearful and very careful.

My head felt groggier than usual, like I couldn't quite rouse myself to fully wake up. A heavy fog draped over my mind.

The knife circled my wrist, and I couldn't tear my eyes away. I wanted so badly to travel my eyes up that hand, up that arm, that body standing right in front of me but I couldn't.

"Look at me." The voice demanded. It enjoyed this torment. "Look at my eyes."

The moment I looked away, I regretted it. The knife sunk its teeth into my skin, a very heavy hand slicing my wrist open, blood covering my hand in a manner of seconds.

Grey eyes stared at me, smiling; a delicious sense of evil lit behind them. The blood from my wrist started flowing steadily faster, draining. I looked down, back up. Adam was laughing at me, licking the knife in his hand. I could see his tongue licking drops of blood off his mouth.

My head became woozy, and I fell backwards, bouncing softly on the bed. Head pounding, world spiraling out of control and Adam leaning over me, teasing me, killing me with a dark, sadistic pleasure I never knew he had. Tears fell down my eyes in earnest, sick and terrifying and desperate in the face of laughter.

Slowly my world began to darken in around me. I realized, quite belatedly that my arm must have stained the entire bed spread. That it would be hell to wash it later.

Then Adam leaned in, the look in his eyes, in his face scared me; an evil I could not name possessed him heart and soul. His lips came closer to mine, kissing me lightly. As if it were a send off, a final, soft, sweet goodbye.

I started this; this fascination with blood, my blood streaming down my arms and body. What it would feel like to really let go, to just keep cutting so deeply that the blood will never stop until I'm gone, sleeping somewhere peaceful and alone.

The only thing on my mind is: I don't want to die.

* * *

**Chapter 9:** Dreams of Blood

* * *

_He's going to kill me,_  Tommy couldn't get enough air to his lungs; his breathing became shallow, filling with a sense of dread.  _They have the same eyes. Those same, horrible grey eyes._

His head shook in a panic trying to deny this evil, tears rolling down his face awkwardly. The man stepped closer, he held both his hands up – they were empty, but Tommy knew better. He would be secretly hiding it until he got close enough to the bed, that knife he had seen only moments before. A second chance to escape with his life.

Tommy scooted as fast as he could across the bed, and pressed himself against the headboard as far as his body would let him. His legs were shaky, his mind couldn't process what was happening in real time, it was slow and Tommy was doing the best he could among the confusion.

His sheets weren't stained red with blood, but they would be soon if he didn't do something. But the man was still closing in on him. "Stay away! Please!" Tommy wasn't too proud to beg for his life. You only got one shot at living, and he didn't intend to waste it. That dream had been a warning sign, an alarm ringing in his head. He pressed his arms flat against the headboard, petrified. "Don't kill me, please; I'll do anything, please! Anything I swear it! Just name your price! I swear I'll do it! Just tell me what to do!"

The stranger was speaking, his lips were moving and talking but no sounds were coming out. Tommy couldn't hear anything the stranger said, it didn't process correctly in his mind. Something had broken inside him again. Just like in the marketplace.

His words didn't reach the man in front of him, who was crawling across the sheets, moving closer and closer. Those eyes kept staring at him, that mouth moving soundlessly. Tommy closed his eyes, bringing his knees to his chest and arms wrapping him into a tightly knit ball.

 _I can't fight him off._  Words began to tumble out of Tommy's mind like a steam train running at full speed.  _He wants to hurt me, and I can't fight back, can't run away. I want to escape from the pain, please let me escape. Please… please. Just let me go._

A pair of hands grabbed Tommy's wrists, hauling them towards the stranger. Tommy felt his body being hauled across the bed, legs dragging uselessly beside him. "…me. Look at me."

Tommy shook his head, his eyes shut tight. He couldn't do this anymore, he didn't want to die, if he obeyed this man, he would die just like before. He couldn't listen, couldn't trust this man, a person who would deceive him in the end.

Adam needed a different tactic; Tommy was really starting to lose it, and Adam didn't want a repeat of earlier. He pulled the smaller man in sideways, head pressed against his chest. "It was just a dream, baby. Just a dream."

Adam could feel the frantic, scared breathing of the small being in his arms. This brought about the idea that he really shouldn't have such intense feelings for a man he considered nothing more than a friend, but his protective nature was damn well kicking into high gear right now, which pretty much overruled any futile concerns he might have had otherwise.

He stroked the shaved side of Tommy's head, before running his fingers through long blonde bangs-turned-Mohawk. Adam's other hand started wiping away the tears that stained Tommy's face.

"My baby is so scared; he's like a little kitten whose been abandoned on the street corner. Is there really nothing I can do?" Adam's voice was passive, with just a hint of worry seeping through. Everything Adam said sounded controlled, like his emotions were a toy to be manipulated in conversation at will. "I want my baby to come back to me. I want him to listen to my voice and know that he will always be safe from the shadows that haunt him.  _My pretty Glitterbaby._ "

It was that possessiveness in Adam's voice that brought Tommy back to reality. The fear that permeated Tommy's brown eyes slowly diminished as he looked at Adam expectedly. Adam placed a finger under Tommy's chin, ardent and forceful. His lips met the blonde's in a slow, passionate kiss. "Something scared my precious Glitterbaby, and I don't like it."

Adam's hands caressed Tommy's face with intent, tracing designs, remembering its shape and the feel of skin against his fingers.

It was as if Adam held a how-to manual for Tommy's body, because the guy sure knew how to calm him down like no one else. Tommy slipped his fingers over Adam's, feeling them move their way skillfully along his face, the pull and contract of muscle and bone.

"You killed me, Adam. When I woke up, you walked over to the bed with a knife in your hand." Adam didn't show any emotion on his face, but the way the man kept his fingers moving, running through his hair, it felt like encouragement to Tommy. Tommy closed his eyes as the knife flashed through his memories, the endless waterfall of blood pouring from his wrist. "You sliced the bandages, teased my skin with the edges of the knife, and your eyes… your body, it was like you were someone else, someone evil. I was so scared of you and I begged and begged – I swear I tried – but you just wouldn't stop and the knife… You started cutting my stomach until… until–"

He paused, catching his breath. Adam's hand had stilled its movements, unsure, before tracing Tommy's jaw line. Tommy responded by falling into its touch, relaxing, his mind wanted to follow it so badly but he needed to tell Adam about his dream. It was just a silly dream, but the way he had reacted to Adam…

Maybe it was the way Adam touched him, or the expected look in his eyes that encouraged him to keep talking, that told Tommy it would be alright. "I could only feel the knife's bite at first. You told me to look at you, and I did…" Tommy traced a line across his left wrist. "It was so deep, Adam, you cut my wrist so deeply and I couldn't think straight, my head felt woozy as I fell backwards onto the bed. When I looked at you again, I felt your lips against mine in a gentle kiss, as if saying goodbye. That's when I realized I was dying. In the moment, the only words that were going through my mind were: 'I don't want to die.' It felt so real I thought for sure it was…"

"I never wanted to die." Tommy was pleading with Adam, trying to justify his actions and he wasn't sure why. "I don't want to die, Adam. I just want to feel pain I can touch. I just want to feel in control and… now, I'm scared. I don't know what to do anymore."

Adam held Tommy's chin silently in his hand. Tommy couldn't help the shock in his voice when Adam suddenly closed his eyes and touched their foreheads together gently. "I like your smile, Glitterbaby. When you're scared you never laugh or smile honestly, and it scares me sometimes too. I keep thinking that, if I don't protect you and keep you close, I might lose your smile forever."

Tommy felt his mind slip further away, calming and releasing the terror leftover from that dream and a past that wanted to creep back into the present. It felt like Adam was moving almost too quickly, since they've only known each other for a few weeks, but Tommy knew his life before Adam wasn't so peachy-keen either. He knew he was in a slow downward spiral, and maybe he had been worse off than he had originally thought. Mia had picked up on it quickly – so, apparently, had Adam.

Tommy let go of his mind, even though he was still having trouble with the issue of trusting Adam so completely. He wasn't sure if his reaction to mentally retreat was conditioned or not but quite frankly, he didn't really care at this exact moment.

His body became doll-like, relaxed and mobile, ready to obey any command thrown at him; Adam's confession had been the tipping point. His brown eyes focused on Adam exclusively, acceptingly ready. Tommy wasn't scared anymore, and this feeling, the way he always reacted in a submissive manner, only Adam could make him do it so willingly.

Adam threw Tommy on his back, leaning over him and stroking his cheek, chest and drawing little circles over his stomach with a finger. The blonde accepted everything, wanting everything Adam had to give. He gave another small kiss on the lips.

It had been a test, reenacting the sequence from when Adam had touched Tommy in the dream, leaving nothing but a goodbye kiss behind. He wanted to see if Tommy had any reaction, felt any apprehension to Adam's advances. Tommy accepted everything without hesitation.

"Good, baby. Very good." Adam almost purred as he whispered those words into Tommy's ear. Tommy wanted more, offering his body to Adam automatically. This wasn't right, even if Adam's body was ready to give the blonde everything he asked for. He pulled Tommy close to his body instead, lying next to him, wrapping that small body tightly within in his arms. "What is this we want? What do we have? This thing, you always mess with my head, Glitterbaby, until I get confused. Us…."

Tommy didn't respond to him, he was too far gone inside his head, too far away from the present to know what was going on. While this presented an issue to be dealt with later – for now, Adam didn't mind. Seeing this intensely submissive side of Tommy, it wasn't so bad. For Tommy, this was also probably some sort of reprieve, a retreat set up in his mind to recoup when the world wanted to overwhelm him, whether the sensations were pleasurable or distressing in nature didn't seem to matter.

Adam hated being so uncertain and tentative on his actions, so he did the only thing he could. Follow his gut instincts. He loved Tommy's hair, messing with it, ruffling it and messing it up. "I'll never let you leave my side, whatever happens."

A small, wispy smile graced Tommy's face at the possessiveness in Adam's voice; the smile was quick, gone in the blink of an eye, but it reassured Adam in a way words could not.

They still had a few hours until they needed to leave for Isaac's and Adam wanted Tommy to sleep soundly this time; otherwise the stress from the rest of the day might overwhelm the blonde later that evening. Just like when they first arrived at Monte's house, Tommy had almost lost his nerve, became scared in the face of his fears. This time had to be different. He wanted Tommy to become comfortable, as much as he could get, with the rest of the band.

Because if they ever went on tour together, privacy would be nothing more than a fleeting dream. His band would have to share bunks, and Adam, if he were lucky, might get a room to himself (being the "god of glam rock", and all). Right now, Tommy wasn't mentally strong enough to go on tour, and that worry ate at a small portion of Adam's brain. He had to fix that, because Tommy wasn't going to leave him, not for a silly reason like fear.

For now, he wouldn't bother about things like that. He wanted to enjoy the feel of Tommy in his arms without wondering about the future. Adam let his mind feel the moment, let his hands possess this small blonde man who was so willing to do anything for him. Yeah, for right now, this would do just fine.


	10. Mirror of Our Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The whole band-meet rehearsal-party does not go as expected, Tommy opens up about his past and Adam faces a golden-eyed monster in his dreams. Plus, bonus! Adam finally breaks up with Joshua. :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Useless_Girl because she was the one to finally guilt me into writing a new chapter. I'll finish the story eventually...
> 
> Oh, er, I was going to split this into two chapters since the first half and the second half are almost entirely unrelated (plot wise) but... I decide to just shove all 8k words at you all at once, since the last update was like, 2011. Oops?

I can't exist on my own; I am not alive and yet I have tasted what it means to have a body, to  _live_  and breathe and love so freely. I would never take it for granted but I wish I could; in my heart, it's my truest wish.

I don't exist. I am an extension of the mind that has been hidden away; locked up and forgotten. I only yearn to make those around me feel safe and protected but I only know how to exert control and Dominance.

I don't know what it means to  _feel_  love and I don't think I entirely understand how it works. I can feel a gaping hole inside me that feels empty and I am an outcast. Misunderstood and feared.

For all my self-confidence and power, I am weak and even a man like me needs to feel loved.

There is a man whom I truly yearn for; I do not wish to  _make love_  to him, but if my mere existence is acknowledged, and accepted for what and who I stand for then even if I never taste the freedom of the body of life, then I am complete.

I long to be whole again; I do not wish to lay by the wayside under the cover of shadow. I protect the man I love by taking control when there are no other options, by showing that man that he too can love, and I merely wish to make him see that even if it is in a light he is not used to.

\- Dominance and Golden Eyes

* * *

 Chapter 10: Mirror of Our Soul

* * *

Adam escorted Tommy to the meet-in-greet band rehearsal party an Isaac's house and it... could have gone better. He kept Tommy lightly under his control but for the most part seemed to be doing okay on his own; long as Adam remembered to stay within arm’s length. Adam wasn't sure how anyone can pull off being _casual_ about hovering around one person the entire night, but he wasn't about to argue the finer points with himself as long as Tommy was doing okay it didn't matter what his band members thought of his behavior.

The evening really starting falling apart when the atmosphere turned almost friendly and comfortable, where the band was getting along, having fun and all around, crowding in each other’s space bubbles because they no longer felt like strangers. Tommy managed to get around suspicion by sitting either between Adam and the couch arm, or using Adam as a general barrier to all the things.

By this point, the band had created a comfortable pile-o-people on the floor as they sat flipping through the various channels on TV. Adam sat on the couch behind them with Tommy long since having plastered himself to Adam's side. Two hours, then rehearsal and Adam would finally stop worrying because when Tommy immersed himself in the music, his fears and apprehension about the world around him ceased to exist, if only for a while.

And okay, so he _might_ have been in the bathroom for more than five minutes (and he may or may not have had to use half a bottle of air freshener when he was done) but he did not expect to find Monte waiting for him on the other side of the door with a worried, scheming, guilty look in his eye which was... disturbing but it was quick though and Adam still didn't know what to make of it because Monte's familiar worried-face was back.

"Something's wrong with Tommy." Monte said, voice strangely calm, but tinted with worry all the same. "He won't talk to us to tell us what's wrong."

_Fuck_. Adam swore under his breath because Tommy had retreated so far into his mind, that there was practically nothing left and should not have been mentally possible. For it to be this bad in the span of about ten to fifteen minutes... he had to have been _continuously_ physically touched or assaulted. If the band was just teasing him by trying to draw him into that puppy pile they had going on, Tommy would have clearly refused or started panicking and would have attempted to remove himself from the situation. Adam didn't know his band members well, but he has spent time with each of them one-on-one and within a group and none of them would push Tommy if he were clearly in distress.

" _Fuck off him_!" Adam's voice echoed down the hallway and everyone stopped; Isaac's wife was trying to get Tommy to talk to her, Isaac had a hand on Tommy's shoulder and Monte and Zac crowded near the back, off to the side.

Adam forced his way between Isaac and his wife, covering Tommy with his body because Tommy's body had been _sexually_ responding to the casual touches and had practically opened himself up with a sign that said "enter here". Of course, only predators would readily look for that loose, wanton gaze in a situation like this; Adam knew what to look for because he _knew_ Tommy but... he would have recognized that look and body language even without being told because part of Adam _was_ a predator, in a way (but at least he was a consensual one).

He took Tommy into one of the guest bedrooms, placing him on the bed before quietly sliding out of the room. He was _pissed_ because it would take extreme mental or physical duress for it to get this bad, and _something_ had to have happened; although Adam didn't rule out that something simply triggered one of Tommy's memories and his mind had retreated to protect itself.

Adam took a minute to breathe, before responding to the situation with a calmer, more open manner before asking about what the transpired events. From what he could gather, Tommy had been getting edgy over something during the movie, scooting farther and farther down the couch until he decided to just skip off to the bathroom. Monte had apparently been engaging in light conversation and after a few minutes, decided to check to see if anything was wrong. That's approximately when things devolved into the semi-chaos Adam had walked in on. For all intents and purposes, Tommy had seemingly broken down all on his own which was odd, even for Tommy.

So this whole band-meet party was not entirely successful. It did help the _rest_ of the band connect, and Adam could see the harmonious rhythms starting for form with them as a group but as for Tommy... Luckily, Adam had some time still to work with Tommy and get to the bottom of what set the proverbial fireworks off in the first place.

Without going into details, Adam had made the decision to tell the band that Tommy had Haphephobia - the fear of touching or being touched, making sure to leave out _why_ or how it came about. Of course, Adam didn't really know the why or how either, so it's not like he was leaving out shit like that on purpose; whatever triggers Tommy had wasn't public business, so Adam just stuck to the basics. With Tommy's reactions so severe, the only reason Tommy might have to keep it a secret is if he had lost so much faith in other human beings that he didn't believe there would be a point. Being use and abused, against your will by people who should have been _safe_ but in the end, used a position of power to take advantage of that supposed security...

In reality, there were just too many reasons and motivations behind Tommy's behavior and playing guess-the-secret was not going to get him anywhere.

At least the band understood once Adam explained what was wrong and he ended up making some sort of apology for not saying anything sooner, but did admit that neither him or Tommy predicted that the night could have ended like this.

In the end, he decided to take Tommy home and cancel the rehearsal part of the party thereby giving everyone the rest of the night off which they seemed to take as permission to get sloshed and act like idiots before passing out on various places in the house and waking up to a hilarious mass of collective hangovers. Adam had a good laugh when he saw the twitter feeds they posted sometime during the mid- and post-hangover phases (a few of the tweets contained a few blackmail-worthy "this is why you never get drunk and pass out before your friends do" pictures).

When Adam arrived home, he took no time in navigating Tommy to the bed, undressing him down to his underwear and sliding the blonde under the covers. Tommy was mockery of an automaton when he retreated this far inside his head; seeming to understand commands and occasionally found it within himself to answer back but the price of being so unaware meant selective or total amnesia in return. Tommy was open and vulnerable and Adam doubts Tommy will remember any of this come morning. In fact, he would be _very_ surprised if Tommy remembered anything from the latter half of the evening entirely.

It took Adam longer to get himself ready for bed, but he had been in dire need of a shower and the hand-wash-only dirty dishes in his kitchen sink had been mocking him since yesterday. Adam changed into a pair of pajama pants before slipping into bed behind Tommy. Normally, Adam didn't wear anything to bed but he didn't want to give Tommy any ideas that Adam might have taken advantage of him during the night, so decided to play it safe.

The next morning, Adam predictions about Tommy's amnesia had been proven right. Tommy remembered everything before Adam left for the bathroom and afterwards it got a bit... fuzzy. Adam is not surprised, but the one thing he doubts is Tommy's claim that he didn't remember what set him off. Again, it’s _possible_ that he doesn't actually remember but Tommy's face is telling Adam it’s a terrible, horrible lie that he doesn't want to talk about.

He doesn't push though, because he doesn't know how Tommy will react if Adam pried too deeply; they haven't known each other that long, so it's hard to tell regardless.

Whatever Tommy's deal is, it's _big_ and Adam knows that Tommy has to be the one to breech the subject first. Adam isn't dumb enough to believe that this _retreat_ thing Tommy does is simply because he's afraid of human touch; he's _seen_ the way Tommy was with Joe, and what few times Tommy has been under Adam's control. Adam also knows full well that Tommy's _retreating_ can be seen as submissive behaviors, and Adam is intimately familiar with the concept of Dominance and submissiveness and power exchange relationships.

But Adam can't stop thinking about the way Tommy had bent so easily to Joe's manhandling, to the way he was so _gone_ inside his head that Tommy had little to no awareness of his surroundings. Joe didn't strike Adam as Tommy's Dominant, more like an opportunist who took advantages where he could get them. Adam had seen a swirling... _emptiness_ inside of Joe that disturbed him; there was something _off_ about Joe’s behavior and it had not only set of Adam's protective instincts in regards to Tommy, but all sorts of warning chimes as well.

In the end, it all comes down to the fact that Tommy is hiding something. Something big and dangerous; something which happened in the past to set off a massive downslide which resulted in the current state of Tommy's fucked up coping mechanisms.

One way or another, Adam's going to find out what all this is about because if Adam wants to _possess_ Tommy's body, mind and soul of his own, then he needs to know the darker truths and memories locked away inside Tommy's mind. Parts that Tommy's mind wants nothing to do with. It will only be a matter of time before he has Tommy's mind willingly prostrating itself before him, and Adam can't wait until the day he has retrained Tommy's body to respond to his demands.

There will come a day where Adam will find he has buried himself so deeply inside Tommy's body, that they will have become the very symbol of eternity. Tommy _belongs_ by Adam's side and Adam knows how to bid his time perfectly.

* * *

Adam knew he shouldn't have slept with Tommy, that he shouldn't have given into his compulsive desires without thought for anything else, for the possible consequences of his actions but his ability for rational thought shattered when faced with his glitterbaby so small and scared and vulnerable. Even if he had remembered about his boyfriend and the dangers of sleeping with someone unable to fully comprehend what was going on Adam was only a man (and no saint, besides) and his resolve to keep his distance until they knew each other better, until he absolutely knew without a doubt that Tommy was comfortable sharing his bed with a man...

Tommy was always so vulnerable when he got like this, when Tommy retreated in his mind because the pain was too overwhelming and the distress too encompassing and complete that Adam found he could not resist doing everything he could to comfortable the man presented before him. Found he would not have resisted even if he had been thinking more clearly.

There was no question that Adam had taken Tommy to bed; that they slept together, Tommy waking up the little spoon to Adam's big spoon, warranted no further explanation. Even though Adam knew Tommy had gone though a mental body check list - ass didn't hurt, didn't wake up smelling like sweat and sex and no noticeable wet spots on the sheets. Still, Adam couldn't stop himself from outright total panic (for taking advantage of Tommy) and profusely apologizing almost non-stop, after scrambling out of the bed when he realized what, exactly, he had transpired.

It had taking Tommy kissing him lightly on the lips, giving that small, knowing smile and a little shrug that told Adam he had been forgiven. If he believed Adam had done anything wrong; Tommy didn't say, but its possible Tommy didn't care one way or the other. Adam wouldn't have sexually taken advantage of him - that trust thing they had been working on, maybe Tommy was coming around faster then Adam would have thought.

Adam fed them both omelets for breakfast (omelets being the only food he _can_ cook without it being a total and utter failure) and they filled the silence with inane chatter, ignoring for now the giant pink elephant in the room before driving Tommy back to his new apartment. When they pulled up to the building, Tommy stayed where he was, fiddling with the him of his shirt; Adam stared at him for a minute, before pulling up into one of the many guest parking spaces. The smooth slide of two unlocking seatbelt's zipped briefly in the air.

"I don't date-" Tommy started, stopped and after a deep breath, forged on. "The reason I don't date men is because I know what happens and I'm afraid. You are the only man in my life who has not taken advantage of me when presented the opportunity to do so."

Adam looked over, surprised and he couldn't speak; didn't know how to respond so he settled for staring a hole into the dashboard. The clock was ticking the seconds away.

"I honestly don't remember why I'm like this; something happened to me a long time ago, in my childhood I think that started... _this._ " Tommy made a swirling hand motion, indicating himself. "Forced, blackmailed, tricked... It's just the men who seem to want something from me and when I'm pushed too hard I _let_ it happen and you've seen before. Joe happened. If I'm lucky, I won't remember it afterwards. It doesn't happen often but it’s a gift, when it does."

"No one's perfect." Adam replied. "We're all a little bit broken. I have my faults and although I don't have the same demons the one that does haunt my dreams..."

"I'm not attracted to women."

"What?" He couldn't keep the note of surprise out of his voice. Tommy had been adamant about that, and they take talked a little about past relationships, the many terrible and wonderful and everything in-between ex's of the past. As far as he knew, Tommy hadn't shown any interest in men beyond the fucked up headspace he retreated to when they used him, when Tommy let them do as they pleased because he could no longer fight them off.

"I'm gay." Tommy stated. "But when it comes down to it, women aren't the same as men. I've been hurt by them, sure and used because that's kind of what happens when you face the spotlight but they've never tried _rape_ me or force me into a relationship that took away my ability to say _no_." Tommy huffed a short, desperate laugh. "It’s the only option I have left to protect what's left of my mind although I think my body might be a little beyond saving, since... Joe was the latest claimed conquest and victory over my body. You can guess, right? I needed money to move into my new apartment, but I was barely living day by day as it was."

"You can afford the new one?" Adam asked, slightly off topic.

"A raise at work and the housing was low income; my last place wasn't but my name was locked into the lease and I would never have been able to save up enough money for first and last month's rent on my own. Joe gave that to me by paying full rent for two months and he put his name on the lease, which you know." Tommy looked over at the looming apartment building.

"He wanted 24/7 access to my body and I let him because I didn't have a choice, not if I wanted to get out that shithole. He's an angry man, hot-tempered and impulsive. You've seen my body. You've seen the bruises and the rope burns. Kinky little shit. I like that kinda stuff, but only when the person I let into my body loves me and cares that I'll be okay afterwards."

Adam had wanted to know the truth, but it hurt to listen to because he couldn't relate; he's never been raped, and all his lovers were kind, loving and caring in their own ways. It killed him that he didn't know what to do.

"This isn't your first time." Adam said slowly, carefully watching his words. "And that place inside you retreat to..." Adam looked over and pointed to Tommy's chest. "It comes and goes.

It had been dormant until that arrangement with Joe, am I right?"

Tommy looked carefully into Adam's eyes, studying them, before nodding.

"It came back because of Joe; because of his forceful nature and the Dominance he claimed over your body and it's in _my_ nature to be a Dominant and controlling man. Not in the same way, obviously because my love is tempered with passion, kindness and empathy but it won't matter, will it?" Adam shook his head, dropping his hand. After a short stare off, Adam was the first to turn away. "That headspace you slip into, the one that makes you vulnerable, has it been locked in place because of me? Because there will always be a small part of your mind that will see me as... as... _Joe_ or... will I keep haunting your dreams?"

"Adam..." Tommy said, unsure.

Adam shook his head, fiddling with the rubber of the steering wheel. "Because of who I am, I will always force your body to respond in that way, like it has since... when, Tommy Joe? Your whole life? You'll never know peace with a man like me."

"Stop it, Adam." Tommy covered Adam's hands with his own, waiting until Adam's eyes reached his. "The future is uncertain and no man is beyond redemption or saving. Not me, not you - no one."

Silence reigned once again. Adam had given Tommy a half-hearted nod; Tommy once again studied Adam's face, apparently finding whatever it was he was looking for and withdrew his hand, sitting back in his seat.

Adam turned back to dashboard, steering wheel forgotten. "Before all this, when you got overwhelmed, how did you handle it?"

Tommy shrugged. "I panicked, hyperventilated and often responded with anger, when people got too close. My mind protected me by physically forcing my body to retreat from the situation, instead of withdrawing in on itself. Like for example, with CJ - the band's second guitarist, when he touched me I lashed out with words and my body to push him back. I did that with everyone, even if I were surrounded in public and in pain. I got violent, but I mostly resorted to verbal assaults."

That was not what Adam wanted to hear, because that was the reaction of a man who could defend and take care of himself, when left to his own devices so what, now Tommy can't even do that? All because he had decided to waltz into Tommy’s life?

"I will always remind you of them." Adam couldn't draw upon the strength and confidence inside of him because it was... gone. "I've seen it. You'll let anyone use your body, anyone who gets too close and it's because of me your mind will never let it go and move on. That's... I've taken away your safety and you'll never be able to defend yourself. I can't be here all the time to save..."

Adam didn't need to say anything because the meaning in his words was clear.

"Adam." Tommy slid a hand under Adam's jaw, turning it until they were once more face to face. "I guess you'll just have to spend the rest of your life making sure my body knows exactly who it belongs too, won't you? Retrain my mind, key my body to react only to yours and heal me. The future is unstable and we have the power to change our own destinies. Save me."

Was Adam the one stuck living in the past? Tommy believed Adam could be the one to save whatever future he had left and wanted to overcome his past and isn't that a change from just a few days ago? He cut himself open because the pain was intolerable but Tommy wasn't alone anymore, not with Adam refusing to give up on him.

Hope only dies when you give in to despair. If Tommy really wanted to change, then no way was Adam going to let anyone else take this desperate, little body into their arms. Tommy belonged to _Adam_ and Adam needed to keep that in perspective. 

"Let my light always shine in the darkness," Adam said, taking Tommy's hand and placing light kisses all over his palm and the back of his hand. "May you always find your way back to me with the knowledge that no matter what happens between us, I'll never stop saving you and I'll never leave your side, even if you part from mine."

Tommy looked at him, brown eyes searching steel-blue ones for truth or conviction, perhaps; whatever he was looking for, he must have found it because Adam had a split second warning before Tommy's mouth found his own. The kiss was delicious and made his mouth water and he _needed more_. He needed this and he took it for his own; he let his Dominant side take over and he _possessed_ this kiss by wrapping his arms around Tommy's lower back and pulling the smaller man to his chest.

Adam felt different - _stronger_ \- because now he had someone to protect and who _needed_ protecting. Someone who was counting on _Adam_ to lead him out of the darkness.

"Give me a day," Adam whispered, breaking the kiss. "Let me break up with Joshua because god, no one compares to the way you make me feel and the way my body responds every time you fucking _look_ in my direction."

Adam gave Tommy one last kiss, before motioning Tommy out of the car before he could get half way out the door, Adam seized Tommy's wrist, pulling him back. "I'm monogamous, Tommy and while I will protect you the best I can, it is a two way battle - if you combat this _brainwashing_ that these men have programmed into you, then I will meet you half way but my protection comes with a price."

Tommy nodded, waiting.

"Do _not_ let anyone have access to this body but me. You want me to save you? Fine, but if you want to feel me deep inside you, to have my lips kiss your skin and have my voice force you to your knees before me, then I must have one thing in return: your loyalty. Trusting me, bending to my will - that means nothing if your body succumbs the touch of another man who barely _looks_ in your direction. You have _let_ yourself go for far too long."

Tommy narrowed his eyes for a moment; the silence stretching out and Adam tighten his grip on Tommy's wrist. This was a make it or break it deal, a test of Tommy's willpower to overcome the conditioning his mind has used to protect itself thus far. Adam wasn't asking for Tommy to overcome his problems with words and promises but Adam _needed_ Tommy's absolute trust, something which he had yet to give. Perhaps it was unfair to demand this of Tommy now.

Tommy looked directly into Adam's eyes, gaze fierce and unwavering. "Reward my loyalty with your own and tomorrow you shall see my body, and my mind open and waiting for your command."

Adam returned Tommy's gaze with a challenge of his own and waited; he saw the exact moment that Tommy's mind finally recognized the challenge for what it was and Tommy bowed his head in submission. He let go of Tommy's wrist, letting him finally step out of the car. Just before the car door shut, Tommy leaned in one last time.

"Your vulnerability lies within your Dominance, Adam." Tommy said. "Your Dominance is also your weakness because without someone to love, it is weaker then you know. I will make you strong."

* * *

The dreams are always the same. It's a mirror maze of his soul, without beginning or end; it's about learning to accept who and what you are. He wasn't scared of the mirrors at first because there are many things you can learn from looking deep within and Adam embraced the changes life would present him, so he had nothing to fear. Yet, over time he began to realize that not all is as it would seem and that staring too long, too deeply into the void - his soul - was a aberration to man, and nature.

Occasionally his dreams would be _normal_ or benign but they always end up here, in this void of mirrors and insanity. There is no way out and the thought literally makes him want to crawl out of his skin if it meant he would never have to face his own reflection again. To see himself so clearly, the depths created in his eyes and his soul in on display for all to see is too much to handle when it is _all_ you can see.

It took him years to figure out that this place only exists because there is something he _needs_ to find; to _see_ and he cannot escape from the revelation.

He saw the wisp of a shadow emerge from the bottom corner of a mirror. Adam's curiosity made him step closer, closer, until he was level with the mirror before him; the shadow was a small, foggy blob only a few inches across but there was something _wrong_ about it because mirrors are only supposed to reflect, not _create_ and only _one_ mirror held the creeping darkness. It held no reflection and only emerged when he stared too long inside his soul

So he runs but the shadow thing won't leave the corner of the mirror, of any mirror, even though nothing exists in here to create it.

It comes and goes with time but the mirrors, the maze; they have existed from the very first day he _could_ dream.

The shadow comes back every time he performs; on stage, rehearsal, in private, with friends or just for fun. Adam knows it's connected to his singing, to the music but it's never followed him like this before. He's never been able to see the small black mass in every corner of every mirror, because it usually disappears until he stops running and really _looks_ at himself. It wants something from him.

He's never been afraid of it until now. The last few weeks, he's tried to run and run and he can't stop but Adam can feel it wants to grow, to overcome him and make him _see_ into a part of himself he wants nothing to do with.

But that's the thing; you can never run from who you are for very long. You can spend an entire life running but there will always be a small black mass following you, lightly teasing the corners of your vision with its soft, feathery touch.

Adam wants it to end, wants this all to end because the faster he runs, the bigger the little black ink dabble becomes. Wisps and tentacles reach out for him as it grows slowly grows bigger, dream by dream and glance by damnable glance. One day, it becomes too much for him and it breaks his mind a little, the internal mirrors cracking and splintering apart because he has been running this place all his life and it's worn him out. It's all he knows, but he's still afraid. Always so very afraid.

He falls to his knees, hands on the ground in front of him and weeps because the darkness has him terrified. If this dream will let him die, then maybe he wants to because he can't keep looking at the inner workings of his soul like this. It feels like something is slightly _off_ and he doesn't know why it disfigures his soul because sometimes, rarely, will he look into the mirror and see a fun-house reflection staring back at him. Warped and misshaped and laughably horrifying.

The mirror of his mind is fracturing and Adam doesn't want to know what will happen when it finally shatters; its been fracturing for years but it was only a matter of time. Insanity consumes him.

He's still weeping. He doesn't want to break or crack or shatter inside because he's always been in control, unafraid to live his life and take chances that might either reward or ruin him. Life is all about taking chances but what kind of chance does he have now? Why would his own mind create this distortion of his mind? For what purpose, what message?

The cement floor is cold and smooth under his hands, and if he closes his eyes, he can even pretend that the reflections of his body do not exist in almost 360 degree angles.

Today is the day he's going to break; the pressure mounting up inside of him is pushing on the hairline fractures barely holding his mind-mirror together. When he finally glances over, a golden eye has pierced the darkness and it's _staring_ at him, eyes forever unwavering and now they are the ones looking into _his_ mind-mirror, as if to judge its worth.

That's it, though. That's all it took because he's throwing his head back with an inhuman scream escaping his lips as he stares blankly into the endless ceiling crawling with black fog; the nothingness.

Adam can feel each thin crack growing deeper, spreading out its roots and thereby weakening his body in turn. Each _crack_ feels like one of his limbs has broken off, the bones shattered and spread in a mess before him. He should have seen this coming.

The final _crack_ is the back of his head splitting open against the concrete floor. Adam knows there is no blood, that nothing physical has _broken_ but it _has_ and he can feel his body being consumed by the bleak nothingness that permeates the mass which has always been held in place over his head. The ceiling is caving in on itself because he no longer has the strength to fight.

He's given up. Adam knows that's what this is and he can't stop crying because all the mirrors are, one by one, bursting their contents onto the floor. Each mirror has shattered some of its contents onto his body and he wants to die now, because his mouth is filling with the delicate glass of his soul and his eyes are stinging and the bigger shards digging into his skin. He wants to call out for help but each time he tries, small portions of glass make their way down his throat and can feel his throat, esophagus and lungs being torn by the minute slivers burying him alive.

Tears stop making their way down his cheek because they have all been dried up; the glass is sucking him dry. The water in his body, the acid in his stomach, his blood and the air in his lungs. What had he done to deserve this? Why is he being punished? It's not fair but life itself does not play by any rules except its own. The mad sense of humor by the Universe.

The larger shards have punctured his eyes but he cannot scream because he has no air left inside of him.

Adam can sense another presence walking up to him; boots walking through what's left of his soul, and the sound hurts. For his soul to be so carelessly trod upon, scuffed under someone’s boot like a piece of worthless shit hurts more then he cares to admit. Whoever it is kneels down beside him.

"You didn't deserve this." The man says with a voice all too familiar. Suddenly the splinterized remains of his soul are being lifted, removed from his body. His lungs fill with air and he can breathe without the sand-like grains tearing him up inside. His mouth his empty and wet, his skin smooth and no longer grated open so the sand grains could fill his body through his blood.

There are no longer any remains of glass. He still cannot see, and he's sure those are tears of blood he's crying now but the ground is as smooth and cold as it was before, free of glass and soul. His throat is able to swallow and breathe easily and that's all he can ask for right now and yet he's so broken. He cannot stand to be alone.

The voice hushes him softly, and Adam sits up, trying to get his bearings in the darkness. It's so overwhelming; his soul, his mind - he can't feel them. It’s all gone and he's empty now, infiltrated by the nothingness.

"Come here, it's okay." The voice is rough, like the man is unused to being so delicate but he's trying anyways and it calms Adam all the same.

"Don't leave me." Adam says, and the man drags Adam's closer to his. The embrace makes Adam weep; the tears have come back. "Forgive me for whatever it is I've done. I'll do as you wish. My body... my soul is yours now."

Adam knows why the man's voice is so familiar; because it’s _his_ own. It’s the Dominant voice of his thoughts, the one that comes and goes like the wind as if it were a second, different personality inside of him. This is the man who wants to control the world around him and who has the awareness and instincts to accomplish those goals.

It's some sort of karma, then, that he should switch places with the part of him that has lived a life inside a mirror. He must have suppressed this darker side for too long and eventually something had to break; the pressure valves forced open.

But he is being rocked gently instead, and the words they have uttered are foreign to both of them, he thinks, and he's still afraid of what this man wants to do with him. Even though they are the same, Adam knows they couldn't be more different either and he doesn't really recognize this person holding him tightly.

"This is my fault." The voice is sharp, severe but Adam thinks he can hear the soft edges laced within it. Adam is still being rocked gently, and can feel a hand running through his hair. "I made you cry and... you'll never know how much I blame myself for shattering you so completely."

Adam shook his head because it didn't really matter now, did it? "Kill me. Take me - take my life just... I'm part of the nothingness now. Destroyed."

The hand that had been running soft circles along his spine stilled the moment Adam begged for death. "I caused your pain." The man said, shaking his head. "I didn't know, I'm sorry. You never deserved my ignorance; now it’s only fair that I disappear because to hurt you like this... I need to set you free."

Adam didn't want to go, not really but he's been scraped thin; he has no choice. It's already started and he's given up trying to fight whatever it eating away at his body, trying to drag it to where existence is timeless. It will be a prison of his own making and he would choose this path but he _couldn't stop crying_ because everything his life stood for has been destroyed. He couldn't figure out which way was up or down, right or wrong.

"God, Adam." The voice sounded extremely sorrowful, and Adam wondered why. "It was never supposed to happen like this."

Adam's body was entrapped; one arm tightened around his back, the other cradling the back of his head. His body was pulled towards the man like a frightened child.

"I tried to protect you." The voice continued. "I wanted you to know who I was, that you were safe but I didn't think... not like this, to you... Fuck Adam, you are the side of me who is too gentle to experience this amount of pain. You are tender, warm, and able to love in a way I will never understand."

Adam shook his head. "Take me away." He repeated because he couldn't bear the pain anymore. His body still felt as if it had been torn apart, was still being torn in half and he _just wanted to die_.

"My soft one." The voice was tender, but strong in his ear. "I need you to show me your kindness, show me how to love. I need you, little one, to show me forgiveness. Teach me how to be gentle and soft at heart, like you."

"You want my help? Will you fade, if I turn you away? I don't want either of us to disappear but..." Adam asked weakly; he was afraid but still allowed his body to relax inside this man's comforting embrace. "I'm afraid you'll take over again. You always do."

The arms relaxed their hold on him, pushing him an arm’s length away; Adam found he could open his left eye, but the irritating, throbbing pain remained in his right. The man before him was like a mirror image, except... he was more confident, self-assured and controlled. The eyes were a light golden color and their depths told of a innate, Dominating personality that was no mask. He was a force to be reckoned with and it placed a shiver down his spine. It was intimidating to seem himself like that.

"Don't you see?" The man asked. "Only by your grace, you let me out, and for a short time, accepted me for who I was. I was never strong enough to control you. I was not then, I am not now and I _never_ will be."

Adam turned away from his counterpart but a gentle hand lifted his chin, locking their eyes once more. "I trust you to take care of me, keep me safe and in return I only ask for your trust. _Trust yourself_. Love yourself and all parts that make up who you are. I appear now only because you were already breaking, because of me, because the strength of my true existence has been hidden from you. I will make you whole, if you will let me."

"Will the dreams end?" Adam said, leaning into the hand now settled against his cheek. "I fear to come back."

The eyes staring back at him were filled with pain and angst for having caused this, to have let it happen. "I will shield you from this pain and together, we will walk out of here. This place will collapse in upon itself because you have no need to search for the piece of your soul that had been kept from you for so long. I _promise_ _you_ that this place only existed because I was not strong enough to stop myself from reaching out for you."

Adam startled back, because those golden eyes - which had minutes ago been so confident and controlled, were filling with tears of their own. "I've only ever wanted your love, my little one. I just want someone to love me... to love a monster like me. I couldn't stop myself from reaching out because I'm... I'm afraid of the nothingness I live in. This is the only way I could reach out I... I couldn't stop..."

He sat back, watching as the hand withdrew itself and now that Adam looked closely, he could see nothing but regret and terror, of love and loss and longing. Desperation. It choked him up, because for as long as he had lived, nothing in his life could have compared to the type of pain that was to have your soul shredded and broken. This was a man who was about to break, like Adam just experience and it pulled at his heart in a way nothing else ever will.

There was a soft _cracking_ sound in the distance; barely audible but Adam knew the sound.

"You're my soft one, my little one," the man pleaded, although he kept his eyes fixed on a point beyond Adam's body, afraid to face his own damnation. "I just want to protect you, help you because I love you." Another soft _cracking_ sound. "I'm weak, little one, I'm the monster that you fear and I held back, hid myself as much as I could. I'm desperate, so desperate for you." The cracking sound was louder now, and Adam knew this was going to be the breaking point.

Adam had to stop himself from being the one to look away when those golden eyes finally reached his blue one.

"I tried to love you but was it enough? I'm so sorry." The man said. _Crack_. "I just wanted you to love me."

Adam had been indecisive before but he _felt_ the cracks about to shatter; if this man broke, then Adam knew he would disappear forever. Unlike Adam, who was still in control this man... Adam didn't hesitate. In the fraction of a second before the shards could shatter to the ground like snowfall, he surged forward and kissed the man who was him.

"I've always loved you." Adam spoke without thinking but he realized it had always been true. He wiped the tears from the eyes before him, and softly kisses the man's forehead. He embraced his man; now he was the one to rock them gently as tears and cries chocked up the man with now sorrowful golden eyes.

"Walk with me into the light." Adam whispered. "Trust in me, now, and I promise that you will never feel the pain of this darkness again. Love me, like I will love you, and never fear the nothingness again for it shall have no power over us."

Adam held onto this man, cradling him until he heard the cries die down to soft whimpers. Eventually he heard his breathing even out and the tears drying in their tracks.

When Adam looked around, he found they were surrounded by the nothingness; pure black, empty space except for the a single mirrored doorway. The doorway had been called into existence when he finally learned to accept this man into his heart. He gave the man a smile, and the look in return was so soft and sweet it would forever be burned in his mind.

"Walk with me." Adam said, directing those golden eyes towards the only - and last, unbroken mirror inside the hall.

A monster had been told this day that he would be loved and unconditionally accepted by the one man whom he needed to hear it from the most.

Adam took his counterparts' hand; standing, guiding them towards the mirror.

It was empty of reflection at first, the reflective glass showing neither people nor the nothingness until they stood nearly three feet away. He did a quick double-take but the man beside him gave a small shrug and knowing grin.

Adam's right eye no longer hurt; he looked back into the mirror to find it was the same light golden color as this darker... persona. Personality.

Acceptance. Adam leaned their heads together one last time, reassuring this man that he had nothing to fear but he could still see the lingering traces of apprehension within those golden depths.

"I have chosen to merge my soul with yours," Adam whispered, "you are no longer an extension of who I am, you _are_ me. Gold and blue; two personas, one man. Two in one, one in the same. Eternity."

Adam received a smile.

"My little one does love me." He said to Adam. "Are you sure you can handle such a shift in personality? Like two ends of a scale, sliding from light to dark without end."

Two choices: let this man, who was so full of spark and life sleep forever, hidden away in light and love or let this man experience the life he had so desperately wished for. He had already tasted what it meant to really _live_ in the physical world outside and losing those memories would be a death sentence.

He had been given the power to choose. The light inside him had been afraid before now, that sharing any sort of space with his "monster" meant he would lose himself to the darkness but Adam had chosen to _trust_ that the light would always be the strongest force in nature, the driving force in the very core of his soul that would not bend. In letting the darker persona live, in choosing not to suppress the 'threat' but embrace it... that's the greatest love of all.

When Adam chose to _merge_ he proved his true nature as the light of love, hope and forgiveness.

The mirror shimmered into a landscape showing a clear blue sky above an open field filled with flowers. In the distance the field was surrounded by a line of trees that broke into an endless forest with mountains reached up into the distance.

Adam closed his eyes as this golden-eyed man, the one he loved, stepped up to merge with his soul.

As Adam stepped through the mirror he couldn't help but give a short, soft laugh. He never realized before how lost he had been and everything was about to take on a new life because they had never met _this_ Adam before. He was the one with the multi-colored eyes because a scale _must_ have balance to exist. When he awoke, his eyes would remain both gold and blue.

_Two personas. One man. The balance_.

* * *

"Did you sleep with him?" Joshua asked, studying Adam closely.

They sat in the outdoor seating section of their favorite cafe, drinking coffee and sharing a plate of fresh biscuits.

"I did." Adam couldn't say anything else without lying and Joshua deserved the truth, that he had been forgotten. This entire relationship felt wrong, Adam knew that now.

"I don't know what to say, Adam. I thought we were happy so what changed?"

Tommy changed everything and Adam hadn't even seen it coming. Should have, perhaps, the day Tommy first auditioned for his band but how could he have predicted an outcome like this?

"It happened." He said. "I'm sorry it had to happen like this. It's all my fault I did this to you and you didn't deserve it, least of all from me."

Silence descended on them for a time, and the waitress refilled his coffee while Joshua simply waved her away.

"It was _him_ wasn't it?" Joshua inquired. "Did _he_ take you away from me? We were happy together, you know, before all this." His voice lowered dangerously, and Adam had to strain to hear him. "He's corrupted you; changed you into something dark, and it's not right. It's not _fair_ to do that to me."

Adam eyed him critically. This was a new side of Joshua he had never seen before. It seems as if they were both harboring a secret.

"Get over it, Joshua." Adam said, distracted by his cup of coffee. "Jealously doesn't suit you."

Joshua sat back, defeated. "Would it have worked if he hadn't-"

" _Stop it!_ " Adam barked out before lowering his voice. "Joshua." He said more calmly. "It's over between us. I can't tell you what might have happened because I don't know and I'm sorry, but I don't want to find out. Not with you. Not... anymore."

"We could have been great, you know." Joshua said as he stood up, placing a five dollar bill on the table. "I could have been the one to grant you the freedom to fly. You deserve the best."

Adam snorted, throwing down another ten. "Everyone deserves the best, and I can't be that for you." He paused, considering his next words. "I've found the person who will grant me the freedom to soar as high as I dare. I don't... I'm sorry but it could never have been you."

Joshua could never bring out the side of Adam that deserved to be loved as well instead of forgotten and alone, in the dark. A twinkle of gold flashed behind the blue-grey contact in his right eye. Adam promised himself that both sides of his personas would find the love they desire, the love they _deserve_. Only Tommy could see what Adam needed to live.

_"I haven't forgotten about you." Adam told himself, placing a hand over his right eye. "I promised to love you and I will find a lover who will accept the man I have become."_

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I will never write about any of Adam Lambert's real life boyfriends (unless it happened to be Tommy, then I probably would). The "boyfriend" featured in this story is completely fictional. Any similarities between persons living or dead are purely coincidental.
> 
> For more information about Adam's character, check the main page for my "Meeting Love" series. His character is based on Adam Lambert's "Better Than I Know Myself" Official Music Video.


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